Sitting with My Cuppa Coffee...

2005-09-16T17:30:00.000+07:00

THE END.

i don't want no more of this...

2005-09-14T16:09:00.000+07:00

Gosh,

I hate it here…

Here SUCKS!!!

Welcome...

2005-08-12T13:10:00.000+07:00

Welcome to our lives, Beng-Beng Fridosky.
Be a good kid brother to Bobo and Batman, okay?

Hope to see your offsprings with Sissy Fridesta and Keyko.
Hehehe...

One...

2005-08-10T21:19:00.000+07:00

Tonight, I cried...
He cried...

And I learned the truth.

We shall forever be one.

2005-07-06T15:16:00.000+07:00

hollow.....

We Are Listening, but Do We Act on It?

2005-06-23T21:26:00.000+07:00

It is amazing, the things that come into your mind whenever you are doing something as simple as (or as complex as, depending on your personality) taking a bath. I take baths after going back from work (unlike some people I know), and since this is a fairly routine activity (thus leaving the mind free to think of other things), my mind usually wanders to the things that I've done the whole day long. Some form of recollection, I guess. Unfortunately, this is not applicable whenever I'm going through some sort of 'hormone overflow' situation...let your imagination take flight here...

Anyways,

A couple of days ago, my mind happened to rest on a subject regarding an e-mail I'd received from a good friend (and yes, it happened during shower), who happens to be the administrator and owner of this blog. The title of the e-mail was "FW: ARE YOU LISTENING?" (it seems that some people have flairs for the dramatic, or probably an elephant was sitting on his/her 'Caps Lock' button). In it, it tells a story about how a person, longing to find God, was inspired by an unusual event. Now, I don't know whether he found what he's looking for (which was probably God), but before we go any further, I think it would be appropriate if I would re-tell the story again here.

I just love copy-paste. Make life so much easier.

Anyways,

This is the excerpt:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Lord's voice

This will give you the chills........GOOD chills.(Blogger's note: I told you, flairs for the dramatic...)

A young man had been to Wednesday night Bible Study. The Pastor had shared about listening to God and obeying the Lord's
voice. The young man couldn't help but wonder, "Does God still speak to people?"

After service he went out with some friends for coffee and pie and
they discussed the message. Several different ones talked about how God had led them in different ways. It was about ten o'clock when the young man started driving home. Sitting in his car, he just began to pray, "God...If you still speak to people speak to me. I will listen. I will do my best to obey."

As he drove down the main street of his town, he had the strangest
thought to stop and buy a gallon of milk. He shook his head and said out loud, "God is that you?" He didn't get a reply and started on toward home. But again, the thought, buy a gallon of milk. The young man thought about Samuel and how he didn't recognize the
voice of God, and how little Samuel ran to Eli. "Okay, God, in case that is you, I will buy the milk." It didn't seem like too hard a test of obedience. He could always use the milk. He stopped and purchased the gallon of milk and started off toward home.

As he passed Seventh Street, he again felt the urge, "Turn Down that street." This is crazy he thought and drove on past the intersection. Again, he felt that he should turn down Seventh Street. At the next intersection, he turned back and headed down Seventh. Half jokingly, he said out loud, "Okay, God, I will".

He drove several blocks, when suddenly, he felt like he should stop. He pulled over to the curb and looked around. He was in semi commercial area of town. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst of neighborhoods either. The businesses were closed and most of the houses looked dark like the people were already in bed.

Again, he sensed something, "Go and give the milk to the people in the house across the street." The young man looked at the house. It was dark and it looked like the people were either gone or they were already asleep. He started to open the door and then sat back in the car seat.

"Lord, this is insane. Those people are asleep and if I wake them up, they are going to be mad and I will look stupid." Again, he felt like he should go and give the milk. Finally, he opened the door, "Okay God, if this is you, I will go to the door and I will give them the milk. If you want me to look like a crazy person, okay. I want to be obedient. I guess that will count for something
but if they don't answer right away, I am out of here."

He walked across the street and rang the bell. He could hear some
noise inside. A man's voice yelled out, "Who is it? What do you want?" Then the door opened before the young man could get away. The man was standing there in his jeans and T-shirt. He looked like he just got out of bed. He had a strange look on his face and he didn't seem too happy to have some stranger standing on his doorstep. "What is it?"

The young man thrust out the gallon of milk, "Here, I brought this to you." The man took the milk and rushed down a hallway. Then from down the hall came a woman carrying the milk toward the kitchen. The man was following her holding a baby. The baby was crying. The
man had tears streaming down his face.

The man began speaking and half crying, "We were just praying. We had some big bills this month and we ran out of money. We didn't have any milk for our baby. I was just praying and asking God to show me how to get some milk." His wife in the kitchen yelled out, "I ask him to send an Angel with some. Are you an Angel?"

The young man reached into his wallet and pulled out all the money he had on him and put in the man's hand. He turned and walked back toward his car and the tears were streaming down his face.

He knew that God still answers prayers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

I always love tear-jerkers.

Anyways, the search for God, The Ultimate Truth, The Great Mystery, or such things, have always fascinated the human race. A friend once said to me that man back then created God when they went to the mountains and saw the sky, full of stars, full of infinite possibilities. And this immense realization made man feel so small...and scared. So God was created as some form a boundary between man and this infinite possibility. Probably that's where the association between God and the sky came from. Like, it's as if He (or She, depending on your sexual preference) resides up there. I've been through such experience, when I laid myself down on a hill in Puncak one fine Sunday not so long ago, looking at the sky and the clouds. Out of the blue, my imagination took me to a musing about what if gravity reversed itself and what if I'd find myself falling into the clouds, into the sky. When will the fall stop? When will it be the end? It was an immense experience, and I found myself weak in the knees after that.

Maybe it was just vertigo.

In any case, regarding the story, I presume that different people have different take on the story. Some might think that it was God speaking to the man's heart, and a lot of other maybes. I myself think that maybe it was telepathy. Having a mother who is telepathic to her former husband who is also my father, it's a no-brainer how I could come up with this (if she lied about this story then I'm so dead). In any case, if the story is true, and this is a big if since I wasn't there to witness it (I could only be a witness to my own life and nothing more), the important thing is that the baby's safe, the baby's parents are in peace, and the man (presumably) found what he was looking for.

Which is a good thing for him. And nothing more. If that was his understanding of God, and if he's comfortable with it, good for him. Very good. Unfortunately, this is not so for us. Because we are borrowing his understanding of God. We haven't come up with our own understanding of God. Each of us has our own experience of God. And I never let myself mistake religion with faith. Man may have the same religion, but each man's faith is his/her own and can never be the same as another. For each has his/her own life to lead.

Before I start wandering away from the subject (due to my nature of having a pretty big mouth, literally and figuratively speaking), I would just like to say that no man can ever be completely right or completely wrong. It's just is. But what I would like to bring into the spotlight is the man himself. To me, the 'star' of the story is not God or the voices/urgings inside the man's head, or the 'miracle' of hearing voices inside one's head (which some might interpret as signs of one's losing one's mind). He may have heard the voices, felt the urgings, but we must remember that in the end, it was the man's decision to do the things. Had the man decided to ignore them, this chain mail wouldn't even be here in the first place (by the way, this is the second time I got this e-mail...it's amazing how chain-mails could recycle themselves these days...the marvel of the e-mail forwarding technology)

Had the man decided to stay his hands, the baby would probably be dead by now, the parents miserable, the man never finding his answers. It is in our hands that the will and the capability to act rest. It was the man's will to finding the answers to his questions that drove him to act in such ways. It was his hands that carried the milk and the money to the baby. And don't forget that it was the parents' will (in the form of prayers) that brought the man to them. It might be only a simple, desperate act of 'prayer', of 'hope', of 'courage' and of 'love' that carried the message to the man, but it was an act nonetheless. These parents didn't have other means except for their strong will to give life to their baby, and their 'prayers'. But they have the will, and the capability to act (even if the act was only a prayer...or hidden telepathic potentials...sorry, can't help myself ha ha ha). So the fact remains, in the end, it is us humans that have the final say about how we want to use our potentials. Even if it's only in the form of buying a gallon of milk or wishing upon a star (or a gallon of milk ha ha ha).

So, in the end, I would like to say, maybe it's not such a hard thing to find God. All you have to do is look inside yourself, and I'm very sure that the potential is there. Not saying that we ARE God, but in each of us lies the seed, the potential, to be like God. To be godlike. All we have to do is to decide, to will ourselves, and finally, to act upon it. No matter how many miracles there are out there, in the end we are the one who decide what we would like to do about them. Thus goes the saying that man is created in the image of Him (or Her). I believe that this saying was not talking in physical sense of things.

This of course, comes also with the realization that other people beside ourselves also have the potentials to be godlike. I guess if you respect the inner strength that lies in you, you would also realize that it's only natural to respect other people since the potentials are also there. Then the world would be a much better place, ain't it?

We all know such is not the case.

Then again, I could be wrong. Who knows? Life has proven me wrong many times. Maybe the world is already a perfect place (with all its imperfections... hey, humans are always about contradictions). But I speak from the heart. At least I could admit that much.

So, in the end, I hope that you all like this entry. And Miss Administrator, I hope you like my first entry in your blog. Be waiting for yours.

How Cool is This?!?!

2005-06-21T15:11:00.000+07:00

Okay,

First I thought it was just another extra feature that no one would really take advantage of.

I never even paid attention to this feature until today.

A friend of mine just told me that we can actually post out blogs in someone else’s blogs.

Hmm, interesting, huh? So, I asked him how it works.

And guess what? Not only did I make it into his blogs (as a contributor – thanks, Rie), I also came across a way to post your blogs without even logging in.

Gee, how convenient is that? Huh?

This is how.

You actually look like you’re writing an e-mail to a client, or a vendor, or whatever related to work, while you’re actually posting your blogs!

Wow, and on top of that, just in case your internet access got banned (again), you can still write away, my friend.

Whoever you are that invented this thing called Blogger.com, you’re so going to heaven, hahaha…

Viva Blogger.com!

Madagascar meets Shawshank Redemption

2005-06-18T21:06:00.000+07:00

Madagascar (Ben Stiller/Alex the Lion, Chris Rock/Marty the Zebra, David Schwimmer/Melman the Giraffe, and Jada Pinket-Smith/Gloria the Hippopotamus)
Shawshank Redemption (Tim Robbins/Andi Dufresne, Morgan Freeman/Ellis Boyd “Red” Redding)

One is a fresh and funny Box Office animation, and the latter is a gloomy and serious Academy Award winning film.

So far different, yet both touch me in so many levels, in many different ways that I could possibly imagine.

The word “institutionalized” comes to mind.

Having lived in captivity for 10 years, growing up knowing no other but the comfortable life of New York Zoo, Marty got bored. He was tired of all the routine, and soon swayed by the smooth talk of the Penguins who wanted nothing but to escape from the zoo.
He ran. And his best friends went on a rescue mission to bring him but instead, these “New York Giants” were sent to a remote part of Madagascar, to live in the wilderness, where they met an entire community of Lemurs, with King Julien as their host.
Alex, almost failed to adapt. Being well-fed and groomed each and every day of his life in New York got him weak by the stomach, and he soon developed his natural instinct. To prey.
And hadn’t it been for Marty’s belief in him, Alex wouldn’t have made it. He would’ve lost his old self, the non dangerous, most popular show in town.

Red spent 40 years in prison, a hard lesson to learn for a crime he committed. The bars introduced him to Andy, a newcomer who was falsely accused of murdering his wife and her lover. Andy fought the hard life of the prison where you are not to make the wrong acquaintance if you want to keep your life, or at least, your dignity. The prison could not taint Andy’s hope of freedom and after less than 20 years he finally broke free.
Red got his parole after he giving up hope, and rejoined his best friend in Zihuatanejo, Mexico.
But not every men standing inside those high and thick walls could survive out there. Brooks Hatlen, who spent 50 years as an inmate, broke down when he finally got his parole. He simply could not handle the pressure of living in the real world. In the wild.

The New York City zoo may imprison the animals.
As it has locked down human beings as well, in Shawshank Prison.

Institutionalized.
That’s what happened to these animals, and humans.
The so called “institutions” serves a better purpose of slowly eating a man’s hope, slowly turning wild animals into “pansies”, and in the end, slowly turning these animals and human beings against their own nature: to live free, to live in the wild.

Life, unlike the Zoo and the Prison, it offers freedom.
But sometimes, we face biting reality that in so many ways, Life is a lot like those bars.

Sometimes, we may feel imprisoned, sitting in the same cubicle for tens of years, facing the same routine, the same problems to solve, entertaining the same sets of people, and having to cope with all the boredom that may come in the package of being born, of being delivered into this world.

Some made their peace– and die old behind the bars or inside the showcase, some simply cannot handle it – and choose to meet their makers, some strong enough to break free – and succeed in their own quest of adventure, their own battle against their ego.

Alex, Marty, Melman, and Gloria, the New York Giants, sailed back to New York, where they really belong. Red joined Andy in the Pacific, where they would face their whole life ahead of them, as free men.

We are granted a privilege of not living as animals inside the zoo, of having a full set of brain, a healthy one that deprived us from committing a crime to get us locked in. Yet sometimes, we’re forgetting that “time does fly”, even on the outside. Even as free human beings, we’re still trapped in “time prison”.
We’ll never go back.

Sometimes we make mistakes.
Sometimes we choose to ignore our yielding conscience, while it’s been screaming the whole time.
Sometimes we’re stuck and we give up. Forgetting that we do deserve to have our dreams.
Sometimes we forget that deep down inside our hearts, there’s a place called “hope” that no one can touch.

I gave up hope, a long time ago.
But once again, I learned from these characters.
Life, like the Time, IS precious.
We’ll never get back what we’ve lost.

The time is NOW.
Hopes will not fail us.
Only if we try hard enough.

Spongebob Squarepants

2005-06-12T14:31:00.000+07:00

I wonder why this ugly cartoon character could stick in the Top 10 ratings in a specific TV station for more than half a year.
And after seeing the movie, I could understand why.
Damn, this movie is funny or what!

The program especially made for children served as a reminder to fulfill our inner child. To not forget our core, and to realize that being an underprivileged does not stop us from creating. From achieving. From winning the race, and ace every single thing we do.

The seemingly simple plot actually has a lot deeper meaning.
And after watching the movie (on pirated DVD, of course – what else…), I can safely say that I'm proud to be whatever I am today.

Well, hope to see more of the series in the Top Rating charts.
Hurray! to Spongebob Squarepants.
You blow me away, you yellow porous kid.

The jerk at work

2005-06-10T10:04:00.000+07:00

(Article published in The Economist 4-10 June Edition, pg.60)

WISE ENOUGH TO PLAY THE FOOL?

In praise of lovable bunglers
It is a universal dilemma. What to do with the jerk at work, the person who is so disliked by their colleagues that no one wants to work with them? The traditional answer is to tolerate them if they are at least half-competent – on the grounds that competent jerks can be trained to be otherwise, while much-loved bunglers cannot.

An article in the latest issue of the Harvard Business Review suggests that such an approach seriously underestimates the value of being liked. In a study of over 10,000 work relationships at five very different organisations, Tiziana Casciaro and Miguel Sousa Lobo, academics at Harvard Business School and Fuqua School of Business respectively, found that (given the choice) people consistently and overwhelmingly prefer to work with a “lovable fool” than with a competent jerk.

The authors suggest that as well as training jerks to be more charming – although “sadly there are people who are disliked because they are socially incompetent, and probably never will be truly charming” – companies should also “leverage the likeable”. Amiable folk should be turned into “affective hubs”, people who can bridge gaps “between diverse groups that might not otherwise interact”.

Re-evaluating jolly types who spend long hours hanging round water-coolers is currently fashionable. Ronald Burt, a sociologist at the University of Chicago and a leading proponent of “social capital” – an explanation of “how people do better connected with other people” – has written a book (“Brokerage and Closure”, to be published by the Oxford University Press later this summer) in which he describes the ”clusters” and “bridges” that are typical of organisations’ informal networks. Mr Burt calls the people who form bridges between clusters “brokers”; they resemble Ms Casiaro’s and Mr Sousa Lobo’s affective hubs. In practice, Mr Burt has found that brokers do better than people without the social skills to cross the spaces between clusters.

A book published in English this week, but already a cause cèlebré in France, portrays most employees as fools – lovable or otherwise. Corinne Maier’s “Bonjour Laziness” (Pantheon Books) is a worm’s-eye view of a corporate world where only three creatures exist: sheep (“weak and inoffensive”); pests (“poisoning the general atmosphere”); and loafers (“their only aim is to do as little as possible”). In the view of Ms Maier, a practicing psychoanalyst as well as a part-time employee of EDF, a French power firm, pests (ie, jerks) rule the corporate world. (So does being a jerk give you the skills needed to get to the top? And only in France?) The rest can only hope to lie low and await their pension. Les Misérables! But, assuming you are lovable, far better, surely, to follow the Burt route: head straight for the water-cooler.

*****

And so... That explains. I guess we're left with no choice than lie low.

Sigh...

2005-06-08T09:37:00.000+07:00

AAARRGGHHHHH!!!!!!!

I hate being the stupid people's errand girl!

F*CK!!!!!

'Tis - Frank McCourt

2005-06-06T10:43:00.000+07:00

The problem with reading a good book is that you will not be able to put it down. Sometimes you just speed through the whole pages, and even with the fingers all red from the paper cut, eyes almost pop out from moving too fast left and right, and head throbbing like mad in the morning from lack of sleep trying to finish the book the soonest as possible while all your other books are still lying helplessly in the shelf, still in its cover, waiting to be read.

And after that you begin to realize that good books are something you should savor to its last page, and not just flip flip flip without really getting a grasp of its real meaning, and then you suddenly stop, and go backwards, hoping you’d remember each and every characters in it. Trying so hard not to lose its plot.

‘Tis is definitely a good example of it.

Lord above knows just how many days I spent on that book, not because of I want to savor every little details in it, but simply because – forgive me, Mr. McCourt, I only got to read that book once the clock hits twelve at night, and I can only last 10 minutes of that book, for fear I will not be able to wake up the next morning to go to work.

But I spent the last 2 days finishing what I left off (about half of the whole book), and I wept my self to bed in the ending.

Damn it, Frank McCourt can write.
And damn it, he deserves the Pulitzer Prize. For all I know, he can bring home that bloody Nobel prize for Literature from Sweden, for he deserves it.

I know this is not much of a review.
But I tell you, I don’t need to give a review on ‘Tis and Angela’s Ashes. The books are simply must-reads.

Mr.McCourt, once again, hats off to you.
Wish I could meet you and tell you in person, just how much your writings have influenced me.
(Och, my bladder is near my eyes…)

25th Hour

2005-05-25T12:02:00.000+07:00

What if you were sentenced to 7 years in prison?
Or worse yet, lifetime?
Executed?

What if you didn’t get caught?
What if you betray your partners so you could get away.
What if you had never tried at all.
A thousand what ifs will not be answered in 24 hour time.

Monty (Edward Norton) was sent to prison for intent possession of 1kg of heroin. It was his last night before he has to go.
What will he do?

This movie is far from entertaining.
It’s not even remotely funny.
And it’s definitely not romantic.

Yet in the gloomy shade, I really felt I could relate to it.

Yes…

A single decision we make leads to hundreds of options.
And thousands, even millions of consequences.
A millisecond doubt could cost someone’s life.
But a second too early can create a chaos.

Life renders us with vast of options.
Options we know will only lead to all sorts of different consequences.
And unless we’re fortune tellers, we cannot predict the outcome of our decisions, we cannot predict the future.
And therefore, we take a dare.
We bet our own lives.
Or worse yet, others’.

What do you do when you make an error of judgment?
Some acts as noble knights and take the fall.
Some choose to deal with it by the company of “Jack Daniels”.
Some flee.

Some even choose to play GOD, and end their own misery.
Their own horrible consequences.
Simply because they think they cannot handle the truth.

My life is not a fairy tale.
It’s not some life that would make it to “Oprah”.
It’s full of waiting arounds, uncertainty, disappointments, loneliness, and failures.
It’s full of self-fulfilling prophecies.

Now, at a millisecond (in desperate times), I might have thought to play GOD.
But after seeing 25th Hour, somehow I came around.
Somehow, I realized that life is not so bad.
When you take care of it, it may just turn into your ally.

Who knows, you might turn into someone you never thought you could be.
Someone you only could dream of becoming.
Someone so happy…

Then, you might say to yourself:

"This life came so close to never happening…"

Happy Birthday, Me.

2005-05-21T01:00:00.000+07:00

You CAN, Ret.

Will my life change?

2005-05-20T10:15:00.000+07:00

Today will be my last day before I turn 26.
Today will be the most defining day of my life.
Today will be 6 yrs of my first conversation with my love.

Today holds the key to my future.

Will my life change?

I hope so…

Envy Vanity

2005-05-19T16:14:00.000+07:00

What is it with people and their relentless comments on others?

The truth is, each and every one individual has this urge to throw comments, to pass judgments on others.
But why is it that some of us hold ourselves so hard not to do it while others don’t?

Why is it that every time we have the chance to mock others, our tongue is loose?
And why is it that every time we’re supposed to look within, our eyes just went completely blind?

I happen to have both in my shoes.

And I'm tempted.
Honestly.

I'm no perfect person.
I know I'm even far from sufficient.
And I make the most horrible mistake by thinking that I am better. Than the rest of the less fortunate. For thinking that they got “there” by pure luck or foul play.
(And by “less fortunate” I don’t mean those who are faced with poverty or those physically challenged, by “less fortunate” I mean those who are not smart – by my standard)

Now it’s eating me alive.
Remember the goblins?
I am now one myself.

After a while, now I have to take the bitter pill not to let these scheming little temptations run my mind.
Now I have to submit to this unyielding doubt.

“Do I have the right to say all these things?”

I wish I can escape this mental prison.

Now I understand why “envy” –like “vanity”- is a deadly sin…

Why Is Life So Complicated These Days?

2005-05-10T22:35:00.000+07:00

My life revolves around people with complicated life stories.

My friend Arti, is in trouble. Through no fault of her own.
She got into trouble merely for being the nice person, for wanting to help her best friend. Little did she know that it only pushed her into the gaping hole of trouble.
Her best friend was proposed by her current boyfriend. She said “yes”. But in truth, she was still deeply in love with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she broke up because he did not want to go into that direction. Now, as they are inching towards their wedding day, the ex-boyfriend suddenly proposed to her. And being the foolish girl in love, she is suddenly placed in a very difficult situation.
She is stressed out. She disappeared. And being the closest friend of hers, Arti was so concerned to know that she never returns her phonecalls, never replies to her sms-es. This friend of hers practically “vanished”. And being the closest friend, she was the one to ask of the whereabouts of this girl. And she was soon dragged into a huge family problem.
The fiancé looked her up. To no avail. And he interrogated Arti. He even used foul words and manipulated scenarios.
It turned out, this girl, was with her ex all along. And now, she is not allowed to leave her room. All calls are barred. She will not receive any messages from her friends. For God knows how long. Arti’s guess is, until their wedding day.

My friend Nia, is in trouble. She’s stuck between a mother and her son.
The mother of her best friend’s just knew about her son being what he is now. And she still cannot take things pretty well.
The problem is, Nia is very close with the mother. And the mother seems very comfortable in consulting to her, seeking comfort, and all the rest. She even literally asked her to be her daughter-in-law.
Nia, being the nice girl she always is, is now stuck. She cannot not console the mother. All the while she’s having a real hard time in dealing with her friend, who despite all, come to her about the boyfriend he’s now seeing, sulking that he’s changed, and all that. She wants to bring him to his senses, but she cannot just sit still and not find another.
She simply cannot get rid of him.

My friend Tira, is in trouble. She almost cut herself out from her only family.
She made a pretty rushed decision. She’s basically in love. The boyfriend lives far away, overseas. He’s been telling her that they will soon get married. And she will someday have to live in the states.
The mother, of course, having only one child, refuses to let her go. And refuses to come along with the child and live with them in the foreign land.
Now, it seems the surface is calm, back to normal. But the mother suspects differently. She now thinks that the guy doesn’t take things seriously. That the guy is about to hurt the only child’s feelings.
And things are difficult now because the two people can’t tell the truth to each other anymore.

My friend Oji, is in trouble. She’s in love. And she knows it will not last.
Her relationship with her boyfriend is totally controversial. They are seeing each other regardless of the fact that they have totally different principles. Not only are they different in religion, they are also different in race, which, to some is a big deal.
The problem with her is, she thinks she has changed. She turned down so many interesting offers, just because she knows the boyfriend will not approve of it. She basically succumb to everything that she was not, because she’s in love with him. And she’s afraid she might end up hurting.

My friend Dini, is in trouble. Her best friend is a jerk.
She hooked him up with her other best friend. And only now does it occur to her that it might not be the best idea after all. Since she comes around that her best friend is actually the filthiest walking creature in the entire planet.
But what’s done cannot be undone. What’s said cannot be unsaid.
She cannot take things back, especially not since the jerk decided to make a move on her bestfriend.

My friend Dhya, is in trouble. He is bored.
Moving out of his old company which seemed to be a good idea at the time doesn’t seem like the best decision he’d made. His usually fast pace now takes its toll. He feels bored. The problem is, he just moved. And moving again would probably make him look bad.

Why is life so complicated these days?
These good people deserve to be happy. They deserve peace of mind.
But why this?

And I think that MY life is complicated?

Missing you...

2005-05-09T10:04:00.000+07:00

It’s almost one month since I last met you.
It’s almost one month since I last poured my heart to you.
It’s almost one month since I last felt the warmth.

How I miss you.

But I cannot just ramble on and not having any good idea to talk about.
That’ll be a disgrace.
That’ll be an insult.

How I am far away.
Stranded.

Stray…

I just want to write.
To escape…

2005-04-14T01:03:00.000+07:00

OMIGOD!

What’s wrong with me?!?

(Where’s that river of ideas?)
Dang it.

Sigh…

It's Almost Midnight...

2005-04-13T23:59:00.000+07:00

It’s almost midnight.

I almost dozed off watching the music channel.
(Hahaha, lame free-to-air local channel. Bloody lame. That’s what it is.)
Yet I'm still watching (or rather, listening?) it.

It’s been decades since I last posted my thoughts in this blog.
Yep.
Indeed.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me. Or what’s gotten out of me.
It’s just empty.

I know I'm happy. For some (or the most) part of me.
Yes.
I'm in love.
I'm in love.
I'm in love.
With the same person for the hundredth time.
And again.
(Maybe being happy is bad for the mind, huh? - says the psychopath. Hahaha…)

But I know for some other parts of me still yearn for more.

The itch will come again.
Because the opportunity has fled me (yet again).

No no.
This time I won’t blame myself.
Because this time, I'm right. And I know it.

This time, no matter how bad I wanted things to happen.
This time, I won’t regret my failure.

Coz it simply means yet another quest.
Another venture.

For the better.

Same-Sex Marriage

2005-03-20T11:38:00.000+07:00

Lo and behold.
Read the below article published in The Economist 19-25 March 2005 edition:

Same-Sex Marriage
Simply put, he explained

Los Angeles
Has a California judge inadvertently given conservatives the chance to push through more laws banning gay marriage?

“Simply put’” said the judge, “same-sex marriage cannot be prohibited solely because California has always done so before.” Cue for statewide gay and lesbian jubilation, be it an impromptu rally in San Francisco’s Castro district or West Hollywood’s official city celebration, complete with a “wedding-cake and champagne reception”. In a 27-page decision Richard Kramer, a San Francisco Superior Court judge, had ruled on March 14th that California’s statutory ban on same-sex marriage was a violation of the civil rights guaranteed by its constitution.

Put equally simply, Gavin Newsom, who as Mayor of San Francisco authorised some 4,000 same-sex marriages just over a year ago, was right and the attorney-general of California, Bill Lockyer, defending state law was wrong. “No rational basis”, said Judge Kramer, “exists for limiting marriage in this state to opposite-sex partners”.

Indeed, to limit marriage in this was anti-homosexual discrimination akin to racial discrimination. In 1948, California’s Supreme Court ruled that the state’s ban on interracial marriage violate the equal protection clause of the United States constitution. Advocates of the racial ban had asserted that, because historically blacks had not been permitted to marry whites, the statute was justified. The court, Judge Karmer recalled, had rejected this argument: “Certainly the fact alone that the discrimination has been sanctioned by the state for many years does not supply such [constitutional] justification.” In other words, tradition is no excuse.

But what if homosexual couples are given “marriage-like” rights by California’s new domestic-partnership law proof, says Mr Lokyer, that a ban on gay marriage is not discrimination? Judge Kramer’s response, referring to a 1952 Supreme Court ruling on segregated schools, is dismissive: “The idea that marriage-like rights without marriage is adequate smacks of a concept long rejected by the courts-separate but equal.”

As to the argument put by conservative groups that the purpose of marriage is procreation and child-rearing by a man and a woman, the judge replies: “Once does not have to be married in order to procreate, nor does one have to procreate in order to be married.” Indeed, whereas heterosexual couples are unable or unwilling to have children are free to marry, “same-sex couples are singled out to be denied marriage.” The state can legitimately, for health reasons ban incestuous marriages, but the Judge, citing the 1948 state Supreme Court Judgment, said it cannot discriminate on the “arbitrary classifications of groups or races”.

Opponents of gay marriage have had a mixed reaction. They all claim to be horrified. The Reverend Louis Sheldon, founder of The Anaheim-based Traditional values coalition, called the ruling “yet another example of judicial tyranny”. But he went on to add that it makes “it clearer than ever that California needs a constitutional amendment to protect marriage as a union of one man and one woman”.

As this implies, conservatives are confident (and many gays fear) that every judicial decision in favor of same-sex marriage adds momentum to the campaign for constitutional bans on such marriages. Of the 17 states that have changed their constitutions to ban same-sex marriages, only Nebraska, Nevada, Alaska, and Hawaii did so before 2004. The other 13 did so in 2004-the year not just of the San Francisco change also of same-sex legalisation in Massachusetts.

Judge Kramer’s ruling will give ammunition to those pressing George Bush to renew last year’s electorally convenient drive to amend the Federal constitution. Evangelical Christians, who claim credit for the President’s re-election, have made it clear that their support For Social Security reform is contingent on Mr. Bush’s support for a constitutional amendment.

So what next? With the Judge’s ruling state for 60 days in order to allow for an appeal, the answer for California is yet more legal wrangling, first to the state court of appeal in San Francisco and then, probably next year, to the state Supreme Court-the very court which last August ruled that Mayor Newsom had exceeded his authority and the 4000 same-sex marriages were therefore invalid. The Supreme Court however, ruled out very narrow grounds that time, studiously avoiding the constitutional issues raised by Judge Kramer.

The longer term question is the political impact. Victories for same-sex marriage tend to produce a voter backlash: witness last year’s amendments to state constitutions. One effect of Judge Kramer’s ruling is to nullify not just that part of 1977 California Family Quote which defines marriage as between a man and a woman but also the state’s Proposition 22, approved 5 years ago by a margin of 61.4% to 38.6% and stating bluntly that “Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognised in California”.

However, Judge Kramer cannot be dismissed as just another wacky San Francisco leftie with an activist agenda. This 57-year-old Roman Catholic is a registered Republican, appointed in 1996 by a Republican governor, Pete Wilson.

And the evidence from last year’s election is not quite as definitive as Conservatives’ claim. Exit polls showed that, although only 25% of Americans supported same-sex marriage, another 35% supported civil unions for homosexuals. Put another way, most Americans are relaxed about gay couples getting some form of legal pact. Perhaps that is why Mr. Bush is not rushing to push through a Federal ban.

*****

It IS allowed for gay to marry in America.
Finally, gay CAN celebrate their love in a legal union that binds them for life.

How about our beloved country then?
Are we going to deny this human rights?

Million Dollar Baby

2005-03-19T18:15:00.000+07:00

Winner of 4 Academy Awards:
Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Director, and Best Picture
(Hillary Swank, Clint Eastwood, Morgan Freeman)

Mo Cushla means “my darling”, “my blood”…

Maggie Fitzgerald (Hillary Swank), a 31 year-old waitress came to see Frank Dunn (Clint Eastwood) to ask him to train her as a fighter. Being rejected so many times and again did not make her subdued. She was instead working twice as hard, with a little help from Mr.Scrap (Morgan Freeman). He was once too, Frank’s fighter.

It did not take Maggie too long to get noticed. She was indeed a very talented fighter despite the fact that she started a bit too old.
Frank agreed to take her on (after losing his own fighter to another manager), and he trained her really hard. Nothing tires her.

She soon became a champion. She won each and every one fight she was competing in, and she always knocks her opponents down in the first round.

Offers pouring in from other fighters’ managers to set her up to fight against their meanest heavy weight fighters. Frank turned them all down. Until one day, Mr.Scrap set Maggie up to meet Mickey, the famous manager who took Frank’s fighter to get his title. He wanted to arrange for a fight with other heavy champions. She didn’t budge. She turned down Mickey’s offer before he even spoke. As always her style. She said she’d never leave Frank’s side.

Frank, a father who is rejected by her own daughter soon gets attached to Maggie. He named her “Mo Cushla”. And her new nickname was chanted over and over in each and every fight she was in. She traveled far, and she never lost.

Until one day, Frank set her up to fight against the meanest fighter from East German, Billie Blue Bear. Billie is the kind of fighter who does not heed rules. She’s a kind of fighter who does not care if her opponents die in the ring by her bare hands.

That night in Vegas, Mo Cushla fought Blue Bear. She almost wins, if only she did not turn herself away, and opened herself for attacks. The bell rang, and the two fighters were told to approach their corners, but Billie knocked Maggie from the back. She fell and broke her neck.

That night, was the end of Mo Cushla’s career as a fighter.

That night, was the end of Maggie Fitzgerald.

She was paralyzed.
She was hurt.
She lost.

***

Life is never fair.

When we were just collecting other’s people’s leftovers, we were not happy.
We had our own dreams and we were so desperately seeking our greatness.
When we were the toughest fighter, we were happy, we had what we want.
But the dearest ones tested us, they mocked us.
When we lost our greatness, we were again, not happy.
We were humiliated.

Life is always mean.

It always takes away the people most dear to us.
It always tests us with hard decisions.
It always tests our faith.

But life is all we got.
The Million Dollar Baby, Mo Cushla, might choose not to endure anymore, but it’s up to us to decide.
Will we fight its cruelty?
Or will we let it defeat us?

Up to us...

2005-03-18T22:56:00.000+07:00

GERONIMO!!!!!

Stupid Mugger

2005-03-17T23:41:00.000+07:00

“Ret, I just got mugged…”
“My cellphone and watch were taken…”

“F**k!!!” I thought.
It just added up the string of bad lucks I had today.

I was so bummed.
Not only because the stupid mugger took his watch.
The watch I got him for his birthday.
But also because the love of my life was almost hurt.
And it was all because he so wanted to accompany me to the dermatologist.
Stupid skin problems.
Stupid mugger.
Stupid day.
Stupid me.

This was definitely not my day.
Sigh…

This morning, playing ONE damn good Client Service, I had to withstand this stupid client’s rage. I didn’t even know why he had to yell for wanting to buy our data. “Aarrrgghhh!!!” All I wanted to shout was “Chill, and shut up, you stupid @$$hole!” But it had to come out “Yes sir, I understand sir, I have checked again with my Manager sir, it’s simply not possible sir.”

My ATM card was lost in the ATM machine. “Good God”, I thought. What could possibly be worse than not having cash at hand and have your ATM card swallowed by the stupid machine?
(And it was only until lunch time…)

Now this.

Why did he have to be mugged on his way to meet me at the dermatologist?
Why did I insist on going as of today?
Why did I have to be such a spoiled brat and need him by my side (because the dermatologist is such a pervert, I don’t want to hear his pornographic jokes)?
Why did I have to have skin problems?
Why, why, why, why, why?
All the regrets didn’t turn back time.
All the regrets couldn’t make the pain go away.

But why was he not upset?
Why was he so calm?
“Well, what’s done is done, Ret. There’s not much in mourning about it.”

And so he asked about the interview I had this afternoon.
“Well…” I said.
The future employer didn’t give me what I wanted to get for my package. It’s not exactly that bad, I mean, anything better than this job, I will take it. Whatever it is to make me flee outta here (says J). After all, it’s gonna be a good career leap (says K). Well, so long as you’re there, you can write and it’s gonna be a step closer to your dreams (says A).
Everything points to that direction. Anyways, there’s still time to think about it…

Hey, come to think about it, the recent events kinda give a silver lining.

I didn’t exactly start today with a jolt. In fact, I was so dreading to face the day this morning. And since then, my day just snowballed from trouble to bigger trouble, and that in turn led to hasty decisions and yet again, cause bigger still trouble.

But you know, having a friend by your side, someone to comfort you, someone who would stand all your mood swings, listen to all your grumblings, and bear with each and every one of your ickiness, really helps. Big time.

And if, yet, you still make horrible decisions and get into more troubles, you’ll know they (your heroes) are there for you.

Today, A and K are my heroes. Thanks a lot, you guys. I really needed that.

And if that still doesn’t help, let’s just give those stupid muggers some right jabs, uppercuts, and killer hooks. (Yes, I'm learning all the words. And tomorrow, I will learn how to really do some serious damage with all those… Hahaha…)
Let’s knock the stupid muggers all down.

How ‘bout it?

Chucky, the demonic puppet

2005-03-14T23:24:00.000+07:00

It’s threatened lives.
Again.
It’s taken its toll.
Again.
It’s gone berserk.
Again.
It’s caused fiasco.
Again.
It HAS gotten me mad.
Again and again and again.

I am physically and mentally furious.
And I'm tired of being mad.
Veins on my face are getting bigger by the day.
It’s beating like crazy at the thought of potential danger.

If only I can warn each and everyone I know who might get into trouble.
If only I can safe them all from harm.
If only I can turn back time. To somewhere mid last year.

So I can prevent myself from making the biggest mistake of my life.
So I can avoid this menacingly painful ordeal.
So I can rid this wrenching pain.

This urge to hurt someone.
This urge to make him suffer with my blade-sharp tongue and cry.
This urge to divulge everything.

So that everything will be out in the open.
So that everyone will see.
So that the truth be told.

That he is a JERK.

Robots

2005-03-13T23:56:00.000+07:00

You can shine no matter what you’re made of...
(Mr. Bigweld in Robots)

From the makers of Ice Age
Robots
(Ewan McGregor, Halle Berry, Greg Kinnear, Mel Brooks, Amanda Bynes, Drew Carrey, and Robin Williams)

Rodney Copperbottom (Ewan McGregor) was raised by a small family. His father is a dishwasher in a small diner in Rivet Town. Being raised by a dishwasher, Rodney didn’t really live in luxury. But he was inspired by his lifetime idol, Mr. Bigweld (whom he thinks is the greatest robot, second greatest after his father) who was a great inventor and the founder of Bigweld Corporation. He inspired him to keep on creating.
And so, even though he always had to wear hand-me-downs, he was never disappointed. Instead, he was always high spirited and he invented so many things as a teen.

Rodney decided to come to Robot City to work for Bigweld Corporation. But instead of finding what he’s been dreaming of, he found that the corporation has been turned into a money milking company by Bigweld’s successor, Ratchet. It’s highly profitable for forcing the poor robots to upgrade instead of replace the missing or broken parts, and those who cannot afford to upgrade will have to be molded. The company since then, has been nothing but robots killing machine.

In short, Rodney convinced his friends to talk Mr. Bigweld into re-joining the company, to save the robots.

I love the movie.
I love the action, and the drama.
I love how the good guys win against the bad guys.
The good guys represent the poor people. The helpless.
And the bad guys, the powerful.

That’s pretty much how life in the real world is, probably.

But somehow, sometimes real life doesn’t inspire as well as animation movies.
In the real life, the true ruler of the world will stand still. They will not budge. And people will still stand at the back of the room, not being able to answer back to the mean guy with the striped suit.

Sometimes, in the real world, the icon, someone who inspires the people, someone who really listens and cares about everyone, and puts forth everyone’s interests before theirs are simply shunned out, if not terminated (Shocking? I doubt it). Because in the real life, once the small people start to ignite, there’s no way the single ruler will stand on their throne. And they are simply afraid. They are scared. And they hide their fear well, by shutting every one up.

In the movie, even ragged piece of robots can still make a difference, and stand out. But why is it not the same in real life. Yes, there are one or two really “blessed” people who can make it. But sometimes life takes sides. And it sides with people who are born lucky. Only very few people with not so shining background who can be “somebody”.

Life is hard. Life is cruel.
Life is no animation movies.

But life is true. And the only way we can survive its cruelty is by being whatever we want to be, by giving our best yet. And then perhaps, we will get the best.

And then, probably we can shine.
We can be “somebody”, no matter what we are.

Hitch

2005-03-12T08:53:00.000+07:00

“My job is to create opportunity. So that good people like him has a chance.”
Alex Hitchens, the Love Doctor in “Hitch”
(Will Smith & Eva Mendez)

How do you feel when you found out, when you’re in love, that all this time, the one person you’re madly in love with, has been “dressing himself up” for you. That all this time, while you think he’s a perfect guy for you, he’s just been fooling you. That when you think meeting him is a lucky coincidence, in fact, he HAS designed every single thing down to the last detail so that he would impress you the first time.

Some may not complain. But most will.
And that’s why the job as a love doctor is always kept a secret.

I am a firm believer of “first impression counts”.
To me, there’s no way you can start a relationship with someone when to him/her you’re not even remotely in his/her mind. When you’re not in the map.
Even when you’re so desperately in love with them, it’s just simply impossible.

I am a real life example.

A, the love of my life is my “love at first sight”. I was in love with him the instant I saw him.
(Or so I thought). In fact, maybe I have seen him at least several tens of times before he even attracted my attention.

I am neither beautiful nor attractive girl. I never thought of myself as one. That’s probably why I needed to get so much information as I can possibly get about him before I made my first move. It’s kinda typical “Hitch” job.

I was in love.
I wasn’t myself.
I dressed myself up.

I love the movie.
It relates to me in so many levels.

Well, I know it’s almost out.
But if you still have time, DO see it.
(Especially you guys who are in love…)

It’s good.

Obsessive Insecure

2005-03-11T23:14:00.000+07:00

“Well, I have seen him. He’s not that much tho.”
It was its message.

Really? I doubt that it could say that at all, since it was all drenched in nervous sweat the time it saw him. I was a bit shocked myself when I saw the huge beads wet its face.

So, what is it that made it say such thing anyway? Was it feeling threatened? Or was it trying to impress someone by saying things like that, as if it held the control of the situation while the real bitter truth was, IT did NOT.

I hate the two face. Not because it hurt me. It didn’t. In fact, I was totally amused by the contradiction. It was so hilarious I laughed all the way home. But I was hurt because it hurt my loved ones.

It hurt my ego.
It hurt my love.
It hurt my friend.

The two face had a name. It’s called Obsessive Insecure.
At times it would be this hyper confident character. At another it would be competitive and insecure. It was never competing with others. It was competing with itself. Its inner insecurity.

It was simply…
Pathetic.

2005-03-08T23:24:00.000+07:00

I
am
falling
in
love
with
the
same
guy
for
the
hundredth
time
.
.
.
.
.

Me and My Hollow Tin Chest

2005-03-07T09:49:00.000+07:00

I was standing there, waiting in line, all by myself.
The red carpet meant that we, the invitees were honored to be in the room.
To share the joy between two people.

But why did I not feel honored at all?
Why did I feel ashamed instead?
I was trying to rid all eyes that stared at me.
Yes, I did know some of them.
And yes, I was trying so hard not to raise questions.
I wasn’t lucky.

Tired.
Hurt.
Sad.

Last year, I attended a similar ceremony.
Of a very dear friend of mine.
Alone.
And now, the same thing happened again.
Yet I was alone.
Again.

I guess that will be my label, pretty soon now.
Now that I have decided deep in my heart that perhaps shedding yet another tear for someone who loves himself more is not worth it.
It’s merely useless…

I just want to love myself now.
Because all others are futile.
All others are…
Vain.

INCOGNITO

2005-03-06T15:36:00.000+07:00

(Jakarta Java Jazz Festival, 5th March 2005, 00.30-01.45pm)

“band dong bang bang, do dong band dong bang bang…”
“you’re still… a friend of mine…”

Half of the sea of people sang the first line, and half other the second.
It was the closing song. One hour fifteen minutes passed just like a minute.

Eleven people, men and women, from different cultures and different color came together united, making great music and entertain thousands of people.
Yes, like Incognito said, even divided and different, together we should join to create harmony, and inspire others…

“Colibri” was their opening song. Some great new songs were also introduced (three songs I don’t know the title to – sorry Bluey, hehehe…). They also played a classic called “Listen to the Music”. And the rest, they performed 10 of their most famous songs (“Talkin’ Loud”, “Morning Sun”, “Who Needs Love?”, “Pieces of a Dream”, “Where Do We Go from Here”, “Don’t You Worry ‘bout a Thing”, “Everyday”, “Always There”, and my personal favorite “Still a Friend of Mine”).

The comeback of Maysa Leak, the lady with the amazing golden voice ("we love you, Maysa!") really strengthens their performance last night. Imaani and Tony Momrelle, were simply great singers, and one backup singer, Gail Evans, also added to the harmony. Richard Bailey (on drum) and the keyboardist who represented Italy (sorry I didn’t catch your name, mate!) performed their best. Chris DeMargary on saxophone and flute, Dominic Glover, trumpet and flugel horn, and the birthday boy on saxophone; the three key people in making the music were indispensable. And even the bassist, who just joined the band in two weeks (amazing, huh!) maxed out his talents and to emphasize the real color of Incognito; funk, fusion acid. Bluey, or Jean-Paul Maunick, on guitar and backing vocals, acted also as leader of the pack and composer; well, not much to say about Bluey except “we love you, Bluey!” (yeah, and some guy in the fifth row really shouted that, really!)

Aahh… I just looove Incognito.
Perhaps because their love songs could always relate to my love stories. And to them, heartbreaks are never sad. They simply mean we should hold on to ourselves and be stronger still and when the time comes, we would bounce back on our feet.
But most importantly, perhaps, because they do not just sing lovey-dovey songs. They sing songs for humanity. For universal mankind. To inspire the youth that we CAN make a change if only we believe in ourselves and others.

Only Incognito could make my friend “A” dance and sing along to the music.
Their performance really made all the wait worth while…

Bravo Incognito! You’ve done a great job, yet again.
See you all again in the next concert, guys!!!

Goodbyes and Hellos

2005-02-28T00:59:00.000+07:00

“Someone says, goodbyes are part of life. For every goodbye there's another hello that awaits. Still it's so difficult to say goodbye. I've been trying hard not to cry. But I'm only human.”

“If someone asked me how I'm feeling, I won’t know what to say.Everything is mixed... So excited and yet so sad.I'm gonna miss everyone here. I'm gonna miss the flower blooming in spring, the real hot summer, the color of the trees in fall, and even the worst winter.So, my life in America is formally over.Close the curtain, let the next chapter begins...”

Excerpted from a blog my dear friend Windy Kurnia Irawati posted on February 18, 2005, (upon her return to the motherland).

I love this blog. I think it’s one of the best she has yet written.

I hate goodbyes. I think everyone does.
Especially when we don’t really know if we’re ever going to meet with them ever again.

Once again, I will have to say goodbye.
This time to my own feelings.

I'm tired of being sad.
I'm tired of being jealous.
I’m tired of being irrational.
I'm tired of being over dramatic.
I'm tired of being a paranoid freak.
I'm tired of being me.

My only remedy refused to cure me.
And I am only left alone to self heal.
To be happy by myself.
To say hello to the beauty of tomorrow.

I think I can do that.
I have to.

And this time, I won’t have to rely on anything anymore.
I won’t be afraid to say goodbye.

Coz it’s true, another hello awaits me.

Invitations

2005-02-24T11:16:00.000+07:00

3 wedding invitations in 2 weeks.

It’s just so frustrating.
Does this mean it’s now time for me to panic?

I just want to be happy.
And I really think that putting an end to my single life would be a good solution.

Sigh…
I don’t know.

The Door of Happiness Opens from Inside Out

2005-02-23T10:20:00.000+07:00

“The door of happiness opens from inside out.”

That was the Table Topic question at the International Speech and Table Topic Contest, at Mets Club last night.

It got me thinking hard.

Now, when was the last time you feel really happy?

Some may say five minutes ago, last week, yesterday, or even right now.

I simply don’t know the answer to that.
I couldn’t even remember when was the last time I was feeling really really happy.
Really content.

I don’t know why I can’t remember.

I seem to be able to laugh out loud anytime anyone needs me to.
I can really recall the exact moment when I last burst out into really loud laugh (heck, I think the people at Playan can still vividly remember the last time I burst out, poor Coffee Bean people…).
But I can’t really remember when was the last time I was feeling so happy, like there’s nothing in this whole wide world that could ruin my mood. Or the last time I didn’t cry at all.

But why? I mean, isn’t people supposed to forget their troubles? Well, they should, when they’re happy, I think…

Now, hearing the question only got me thinking.
A said in his speech, “To a child, maybe what makes him/her happy is a lollypop. To someone maybe a raise or a huge bonus at end of year. To others maybe to build his own business.”

As he delivered the speech, I thought “What makes me happy then?”
There’s too many things in this world that I want to have, that I want to do, that I want to achieve, to be happy.

I want to be a good writer, have my works published and enjoyed by many.
I want to be married to the only one person I ever loved.
I want to take my masters degree, live, and raise my children overseas, far far away from here.
I want to be able to do the things that I love doing and be the rich and famous for it.
Etc…
Etc…
Etc…

But when I don’t have it (not yet at least…), will it hinder me from being happy? I know it shouldn’t.

I learned the hard way that the door of happiness is inside out. Meaning, I really can’t rely on others to make me happy. And instead, happiness is within yourself, and once you can start making others happy, you’ll be happier for ever more.

Now I know it’s hard, and it’s probably going to take me years to be content. But I know I gotta try to make it happen.

And by then, when people ask me “When was the last time you feel really happy?”, I will answer “Tomorrow”.
For by then, I will know that I won’t shed anymore tears. I will forever be grateful. By then, my door of happiness will be open wide.

And by then, I hope, I will be making someone I love happy.

The Chameleon?

2005-02-22T17:29:00.000+07:00

Fair skinned mixed middle eastern-oriental, 26-28ish, well built, good looking. Navy and black shirts, basketball shorts. Personality varies, depends on his friends. A bit vacant look.

Pale mixed oriental-native 25-27ish, well built, a bit too dressy, model face. White, grey, sometimes black sleeveless shirts, shorts, and a pair of orange shoes. Too into his looks to pay attention to what’s between the ears.

Oriental 23-25ish, bookish look, glasses, cute, muscular. White shirts and knee length pants. Young, smart.

Native 26, bookish, glasses, sharp eyes, really pleasant looking but not too eye catching, well built. Grey Reebok shirt, grey shorts. Mature, very smart, nice and pleasant personality, great sense of humor, knowledgeable and strong willed.

If you were to choose among all four guys, which would you prefer?
These are the four categories of men I meet at the gym. Well, I only picked those that are nice to the eyes. I've categorized them into several groups.

Some would pick the friendship person, some would fall for the model handsome guy, and some likes the attractive cute bookish guy. But my personal pick would fall to candidate number 4. Yes, it’s just in my nature to fall for really smart and fun guys. Because to me, that character alone could turn an okay looking guy into one irresistible guy.

Someone said though, that she likes the first guy better. Maybe she’s just against the number 4 guy, I don’t know. My first response would be that the guy does not strike me as an intelligent person. That was my first reaction.

I know I don’t have the right to pass judgment, but now really, is it safe to stereotype?

Can we generally infer from all the four categories that the first is the kind who does not have his own opinion on things, whose interests comprise of any other interests that his friends have (or in other words, not having his own opinions). Now, someone said that I've overlooked things, and that perhaps he may be indeed someone with high social life, and that it’s his character to be swayed by his friends. It simply means that the guy is a “chameleon”.

Hmm…
What is a chameleon, really?

Does it really mean that you are the kind of person who would easily change your mind, or does it simply mean that you’re someone who’s “gaul”? (that’s my friend’s term for it)

Now, what is “gaul”, then?

Does it mean someone who knows the latest trends in fashion, or by definition someone who jumps from one club to another, still dancing to the wee hours, someone who is only “fun” with liquor and cigarette around?

I don’t know. But I hardly think that’s what they are about.

To me being a chameleon means simply to be able to adapt to your environment quickly, and not feel awkward being in the crowd, although he or she may prefer the quiet instead. Someone who can mingle with others, friendly to everyone, without forgetting his or her own principles.

And to me, “gaul” means someone who’s knowledgeable, knows a lot of interesting people who can really carry good conversations, someone who keeps his or her good friends, someone very literate.

But I don’t know.
I guess that’s just me. Then again, it’s all relative.

Now, if you were to pick the real chameleon, which person would you choose?

I’d definitely still stick to guy #4.

Mark Darcy

2005-02-21T18:13:00.000+07:00

Did you watch Bridget Jones Diary – Edge of Reason? It’s a chick flick, I know. But, hey, those Brits Chick Flicks are very good, you know…

Well, for those of you who haven’t seen it, it’s good. The story revolves around this obsessive girl, named Bridget (Renee Zellweger).

She thinks she’s in love, with her boyfriend Mark Darcy (Colin Firth). Every single day she wakes up with a smile, she would stare at her boyfriend in his sleep and he would mutter something about not wanting to be stared at in his sleep to her. Yes, she was crazy about him. After all, there’s nothing about him that she shouldn’t be crazy about. He’s smart, good looking, and he’s good in bed (so she said). Plus, he’s the typical good boy who knows how to make his parents (especially his Mom) happy.

There are some things that Bridget has been obsessing about though. Mark Darcy is not an affectionate guy, and sometimes she thinks he’s ashamed of her behavior. She also thinks that he did not appear to have any plans to marry her. And last but not least, she thinks he’s having an affair with his very beautiful colleague.

As well predicted, she decided to break up with the wonderful boyfriend and somewhere along the way in her miserable single life, she ran into her ex-fling, Daniel Cleaver (Hugh Grant). A dashing TV host. Someone with the good looks and charm that melts even the coldest hearts.

How things turned out? Well, as any other chick flick, the hero would of course win the battle in the end. In short, Bridget found her way back with Mark. Happy ending.

Silly movie, really. But why did I cry at least three times during the movie?
I feel, I AM somewhat like Bridget. A silly girl who does not even recognize her own strengths and weaknesses, a loud girl who just does not know when to shut up, someone who always feels insecure about herself, someone so crazy about a guy that she thinks desperate measures needed to be taken while all those acts only drove her away from her true love. I feel I AM Bridget, in one way or another.

I too have my own personal Mark Darcy. Someone who is really smart and handsome, very ambitious, not affectionate, does not seem to have any plans to jump into a commitment, and always makes me jealous with his colleagues, etc.

The similarity seems uncanny, yet it’s so true.

After I walked out of the theater I couldn’t help thinking. Why did I love my Mark Darcy so much then? Yes, like in the movie, my own Mark never showered me with love words, but he did shower me with all the attention I need. He too did not seem to care while in fact he was terrified to death at a single prospect of losing me.

Then why did Bridget have a fling with someone other than her Mark if she’s so in love with him? Her answer will be the same as mine:
Because we do NOT know just how much they love us.
And that hurts.

Loving someone so much hurts.
It even hurts more to not know if he loves you back the same way.

To my Mark Darcy; “It’s never said enough.”

And to those who hasn’t seen the movie. Go see it. It’s a good one. I promise you, it’s one of the best chick flicks I've ever seen.

Ice Cream Cone

2005-02-18T14:55:00.000+07:00

What’s your favorite Ice Cream flavor?

Are you Chocolate, Butter Pecan, Chocolate Chip, Coffee, Strawberry, or Vanilla?
Whatever it is, they say your favorite ice cream flavor can determine your personality.

I am one third Chocolate, one third Vanilla, one third Butter Pecan and Chocolate Chip. It means that I am flirtatious, charming, a little dramatic (Chocolate), gregarious, impulsive, fun-loving and expressive (Vanilla), and also organized and fair (Vanilla) and Creative (Chocolate Chip).

Am I all that? I have no idea. I just take one of those internet quizzes, and voila! This is their calculation for all my answers.

Actually, I have nothing against it. But hey, what if you’re on a diet? And then you decide you’d order a sorbet or perhaps you switch to yoghurt instead? Will that make your personality any less strong? I don’t really think so.

Having found out what I truly am through this Ice Cream test, will I take upon action and start changing how I really behave all these times, and rather, try to comply with the basic ground rules? Life must be pretty boring if you can’t even switch your favorite ice cream flavor, for fear that once you switch it, you’d have to change your whole life as well.

Gee…
I didn’t know that eating Ice Cream can be such a pickle. I thought the only real stress would be: “Hmm, should I get myself a one scoop or a mixed flavors two scooper? Should I pick the cone, or cup? Should I get the low fat or the regular?

Life’s more fun to live when you don’t know.
When you’re still anticipating with enthusiasm.
When you’re still curious.

After all, only time will tell. That’s exactly why there’s no one correct fortune teller, for luck changes. Life changes even in the intermission. Any slightest blow of wind will change the course of events, without you knowing how much it has impacted your life. But then again, that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it?

And what’s more fun is that you shouldn’t change your personality, simply because you want to change your life. What you need is a slight change in attitude. And then, you can still browse for more ice cream flavors out there.

“Do you have any words of wisdom on your anniversary, Charlie Brown?”
“Well, Lucy. I’ve been thinking. And I think that life is just like an ice cream cone. You have to lick it one day at a time”
“You know, of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you’re the Charlie Brownest…”
= Charlie Brown to Lucy (at his 10th Anniversary) =

The Most Romantic Time of the Year – some pointers for the love birds

2005-02-14T00:22:00.000+07:00

Girls (and guys), say hi to “Saint Valentine”.

Yes, Valentine’s Day is considered the most romantic time of the year.
Why did this Saint become the reason that people want to take a special time of the year to scream from the top of their lungs “I LOVE YOU”? I don’t even know.

But no offense to the Saint, I don’t really believe in Valentine’s Day. Well, not too much anyway. I know I want to celebrate this special occasion but I don’t want to get too much into all this hype, that even the slightest mishap could ruin our day (coz that happened a lot in the past that I'm starting to learn my mistakes – hahaha…).
My guilty pleasure is to splurge on my loved ones. My bad. Well, it’s good on the guy tho, since I’d be showering him with lots of sweets, gifts, and uhm – well kisses.

The tradition would be, me getting him some new shirts (that will fit him perfectly – thanks to my really really good sense of picking out mens’ shirts), hand it to him casually, buy him some expensive (liquor) chocolate, and help him finish it, and package will be sealed with my locked starry gaze into his eyes, just to close the deal and make him understand that I've loved him for so long (too long in fact).

And then, he would return my gift. Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps just swing by the silver section, or perhaps just browse through the shoes section. That’s of course after we’re full from the dining at one of the most expensive restaurant at the mall.

You see, those were the days when I didn’t know any better. When things were just on the surface. When we were still starting out. I'm not saying that as the relationship gets older, romance are bound to be forgotten.
No.
N.O.
NO. I LOVE ROMANCE. I crave it.

What I'm saying is that, the older your relationship gets, the more mature it should be. And by then, these things are just some of the most interesting things you need to do to spice things up a bit.

But mind you, there are lots of other ways to be romantic. To celebrate your love together. And none of it has to constitute getting your loved ones a red rose, or a mixed tape, or even a head-scratching-expensive candle light dinner. When you’re older, you need to get more creative so that the relationship does not get bland, and in the end make you bored being stuck with the same person for so long.

Some of the ways can be a simple scribble saying “I Love You” (which is NEVER said enough).
It can be the most sincere smile you ever pull out when you pick her up from work.
It can be by dressing up to impress him like you never do on any other day.
It can be anything.

Well, what my loved one chose to do, he drove to pick me up, fought all the horrible traffic jam, just to make sure I get home safely after I purchased my laptop (the one I'm typing on right now – I'm loving it so much now, by the way).

He’s not the type of person who would shower me with attention. Yet he did.
And that means A LOT.

The Valentine’s Day wasn’t really spent just by the two of us, staring deep into each other’s eyes, with our most favorite romantic songs played by the violinist, to accompany our romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant, after which we opened our presents. Instead, I went to Ratu Plaza to get myself a laptop, took the bus to Niaga Tower to make a withdrawal, paid the package, had coffee and a round of loud laughs with K’s office best friends.

But you know what, the fact that the only one person I want to be with on that very special day was there, and made an effort to meet me, in the middle of his ALWAYS busy schedule, meant the world to me. And I would not trade that day with any more “romantic valentine evenings” EVER.

Guys (and girls), love and fun does not have to be expensive. You can find them at all sorts of different places. Cheap places. Unusual places.
And when you do find it, you can say “screw the tradition” coz Valentine’s day ain’t about tradition. It’s about sharing your piece of love and attention with the most special person in your heart.

I personally did. Thanks A and K for the night.
It was the best Valentine’s day ever.

I LOVE YOU GUYS…..

"The People Who Lunch"

2005-02-12T14:42:00.000+07:00

(It’s Monday, 1.15pm)
I glanced at my watch. Where are the guys anyway? (By guys I mean my bestest friend & my co-author; K, and our contributors, who are our mutual friends.)
K called and asked to meet at our regular spot. Well, as always, I came first. That’s probably because I live the closest to our favorite hang out place, Plaza Senayan. Aaahhhh….. What a day…

Got our latest publication in my bag (Can you believe I still carry that back pack, after all these years?) I felt so reluctant to take it out, but I didn’t bring anything else. Aargh, I hate this. I didn’t even bring my favorite book.
What the heck. Just swing by Kinokuniya and grab the latest collection of Dilbert comics. Hahaha, I don’t care how old I am or how many books we’ve published, that comic will still be my favorite.
After I paid the book, K rang. She’s here. Okay, so I’ll just save the comic for later.

As I sat down, we glanced around. Man, it’s so quiet here!

“Nggak seru ah…”, she said.
“Well, the guys will be here any minute, right? Meanwhile, let’s just talk nonsense, hahaha…”

After all, these the advantages of being an independent writer, right? Of being self-employed?

You don’t have bosses to report to, no working time.

No “responsibilities” to the “stake-holders”, while the real meaning is busting your ass off to make those capitalists richer while you earn small change. Chick feed. (Pension plan, my ass! I’m not gonna have my small salary deducted every month all in the name of saving for my later years when the real bitter truth is the company just wants to suck every single dime you have and turn out as the hero for paying your “quite handsome” pension when you’re grey…)

No traffic. (Well, unless you call queuing in the lobby of one of the biggest malls in Jakarta is traffic.)

And last but not least, no nonsense at work, coz you don’t have to deal with the bitches.
You’re your own king. (Anyways, enough whining…)

But the compensation of being self-employed IS grave.

When you know your brain works best when it’s hectic, crowded, and noisy; instead, the soft clicking of mugs and indistinct whispers of the waitresses of your favorite coffee house chatting about, with the low commotion outside in the mall’s department store fill the afternoon. And then, they could not provide you with your desired inspiration.

Your brain just went blank.

“What is it with me today? My mind doesn’t work but at all!” I complained.
“Perhaps it’s the quiet”, K replied.

Come to think of it, do these people think the same? Do they like the quiet or do they like it better when it’s hectic?
Perhaps that’s one of the main reasons why we hang out with a bunch of noisy people, because sometimes, we feel more at peace when it’s crowded, when it’s noisy.

Hmm…
As I glanced around, I saw some people at the coffee shop. Waiting, looking restless, just like us.
The difference is, they don’t seem to be enjoying their time with their coffee, unlike us.
They seem happy, but there’s something about how they drink that leads me thinking.

How about the “arisan” housewives? After dropping off their children at one of the most prestigious schools, and order their butler and maids for menu for dinner, they practically have got nothing to do. Or do they? Do they enjoy hanging about at the mall, with their hands cling tightly to their cells, pressing it hard against their ears, with 2 fingers holding a slim cigarette, while one other hand busy playing with their cigarette lighter. Lips red and glossy by the most expensive lipstick. And once the friends have joined them, they would soon start ordering some Cappucino or Latte, and chant happily about their latest accomplishments, that is how they got their husbands to finally approve to finance their “breast surgery” or “liposuction”. As if they were simply discussing about the latest discount sale. Something about them emanates the word “social climber”.

How about those “humanitarian activists” with their black loose shirts, dark cargo pants, and a pair of over worn sandals? With their hands waving in the air, frowning, and swearing. Their eyes dart back and forth to their laptop, sitting in front of them. Their thirst quenched with a cup of Espresso, they would also have a cup of iced water that spilled every here and there when they lift their glass up all the while busy describing some important issue to their conversation partner. Sometimes, they would ask their friends for a kretek cigarette, a cigarette so heavy that they need time to inhale it, and sometimes cough after each time. Their cells keep ringing for updates on the upcoming demo event.

How about the “band freaks”? With their loose pair of jeans, too loose, in fact, that their checkered boxer shorts peeked a bit (or maybe they pulled it up, just to show everyone that they do wear under garments). Their leather bracelets and their random choice of drinks. Never the same in two sittings. Their eyes dart here and there, glanced about to the passer-bys, searching for inspiration, they say. And they would come up with a song, and they would cheer together. The drummer would start hitting wind, and the lead guitarist would immediately play with their invisible strings. The lead vocal, supposedly to be the composer as well, would immediately write on the paper napkin the lyrics that have been zooming in his head.

How about the “rich kids” and their “wanna-be” friends? The rich kids would hold the latest launched Nokia cellphone, while the wanna-be friends keep on clutching their wallets, afraid that the rich kids would take a peek at what’s inside and laugh out loud, and stop hang out with them anymore, after all, they’ve done whatever it takes to hang out with the most popular people at school, including begging their parents for money, and sulk at the slightest rejection, pretending not to understand that money doesn’t grow on trees. They would hang and chat over the rich kids’ Frappucino or their Tazo Iced Tea. Topics covered mostly about the cutest boy at school and how the seemingly not popular and mundane girl could end up with him, she must’ve hexed him or something, the rich kid said. Other than that, perhaps they would discuss the upcoming rock concert. The rich kids would say they’d get VIP tickets, while the wanna-bes would say that they probably would not get the permission from their parents as it would probably end too late, what with their curfew and all. All the care in the world is about to last no longer than their cup of coffee.

How about the “sales representative” of a local Multi Level Marketing compay? They would so desperately present the companies “up line and down line” stuff, what the prospects would benefit from, etc. They would order the prospective members a “Coffee of the Day” and one cup for themselves. They would enthusiastically explain why these people should join, and be a part of the circle.

How about those filthy rich people then? When all they need to do is kill time, and hang out at malls, travel around the world, with no care of anything at all? When the only people they have are their gold digger spouses, whose interests are nothing but the rich people’s pockets, and what they could take out off them. When the care in their world is how to make sure their investments rest in the most appropriate baskets that they get bigger and bigger. They would order coffee or tea just to make the uninterested spouses more bearable.

What about these people? Do they get lonely? Do they get fed up of the quiet?
Is it lifestyle? Is it obligation? Is it merely time killer? Is it even enjoyable?
Do they think better when it’s quiet?

I've been traveling in time. I've been dreaming about how I would see all these people when one day I too get to sit outside during the day.
But I’m not gonna be one of these people. At least not now. Not when we’ve got something great going on. Not when our going out to lunch is an obligation, and instead, merely hobby.

By then, I WILL enjoy my time. For I have my bestest friends, I have my Java, and most importantly, I have myself.

And by then, maybe I will be “the people who lunch”…

The Five People You Meet in Heaven – Mitch Albom

2005-02-09T10:58:00.000+07:00

First person: The Blue Man
“Well. People often belittle the place where they were bor. But heaven can be found in the most unlikely corners. And heaven itself has many steps…”
“There are five people you meet in heaven.” “Each of us was in your life for a reason. You may not have known the reason at the time, and that is what heaven is for. For understanding your life on earth.”

Second person: The Captain
“Sacrifice, “the Captain said. “You made one, I made one.” “We all make them. But you were angry over yours. You kept thinking about what you lost. You didn’t get it. Sacrifice is a part of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices.”

Third person: The Father
“Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attaches the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”

Fourth person: The Lover
“Love, like rain, can nourish from above, drenching couples with a soaking joy. But sometimes, under the angry heat of life, love dries on the surface and must nourish from below, tending to its roots, keeping itself alive.”
“Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that’s all. You can’t see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. you hold it. you dance with it. Life has to end. Love doesn’t.”

Fifth person: The Child
“I was sad because I didn’t do anything in my life. I was nothing. I accomplished nothing. I was lost. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there.”
“Supposed to be there,” she said.

I read “The Five People You Meet in Heaven” and I learned a lot.

I cried.
I cried to know that perhaps in some instance, my life affects others in such a way that I won’t even realize it.
I cried to know that true love hurts, especially when they are gone.

Even in Heaven, you still have heartaches. But as time goes on, you will learn the meaning of your life.

Well, let’s best hope that I figure it out first before I go to heaven (or hell? – God forbid…)

Anyways, love your work, Mitch.

(also posted in www.cecolabookclub.blogdrive.com on 9th February 2005)

Angela’s Ashes - Frank McCourt

2005-01-27T09:42:00.000+07:00

In his early age, Francis McCourt had lived in America, the land of the free. The land where his Mother (Angels) and his Father (Frank) had first met and fell in love.

Francis and his younger brother Malachy had to move back to the country where their parents grew up; Ireland, after the death of their younger siblings.

In Limerick, they were raised in a Catholic way.
In Limerick, they were forced to adapt, and endure the mockery of others regarding their American accent, their poor upbringings, their drunken father, etc.
Their childhood in the Catholic town of Ireland was no better than their time in America. If possible, worse. They were living in hunger.

Not only were they poor, they could not rely on the sole bread winner in the family. Any good job their father landed himself on, he will lose over a pint or two at the pub.
He’s definitely not a good father material.
But the children looked up to their father that it hurts the mother, when after a long time after the father chose to work in England and never sent a pence home, had to live with a relative. And he too, took advantage of his role as a host.

Francis and Malachy however, turned out to be quite good your men in such young age managed to provide for their mother, and more, their family of 5.

This book is very touching.
Not in a sense that you will squeeze your tears out. But there are a lot of emotions involved. In a bleak sense of humor, Frank McCourt could really present his life, undisclosed.

This book served its purpose as a memoir. A memoir of a childhood.
But to those who read it, it serves much more than that.
It serves as a metaphor of a difficult life, of how responsibility must be carried out.
It serves as a gentle reminder that no matter how dark your days are, you can still laugh about it, in your later years. No matter how hungry you are, your family is still there, and you should cherish it, you should tend to it, with your utmost effort.

And it too, serves as a constant inspiration, that despite all grief, we can see the silver lining that we can always get out in once piece.

Bravo Frank McCourt. You deserve the Pulitzer prize.
Looking forward to reading the sequel ‘Tis.

(also posted in www.cecolabookclub.blogdrive.com on 27th January 2005)

Tuesdays with Morrie - Mitch Albom

2005-01-27T09:40:00.000+07:00

One young student and a sport journalist.
One professor and a dying man.
Both re-united by the teachings of love.

So sad that they were parted by long distance, and work.
And hunger of the materialistic world.
Where no one cared about anyone else but themselves.
When those people heeds money.

And so sad that their last class ended with death.

The beauty of this book is how you can relate to this hungry sport journalist.
And the way Mitch Albom portrayed his teacher, his professor, and more, his best friend, is just lovely.

The way Mitch described his flow of emotions during the times when he had to play nurse to his fading best friend really touched our soul.

The character building is exceptionally strong, especially in Morrie’s part. Mitch showed how this usually lively fellow was forced to be sad because he fell ill.

But what I like most about this book is that it taught us, even in death, we can still contribute to someone else’s life. And to love each other is the only key to life your life to the fullest.

This is surely one amongst all the books that inspires me.

(also posted in www.cecolabookclub.blogdrive.com - on 3rd January 2005)

Wake Up Call

2005-01-25T06:37:00.000+07:00

My sis called last night.
She woke me up. Poked me hard on my head.
Got me thinking…

What if what she said was true?

Have I been building my castles in the air?
Have I been hanging my life by the thread?
Have I been wishing for the impossible?
Have I been kidding myself?
Have I been wasting my time for the idea of my happiness?

What if all this time, the only reason was that he didn’t love me?
What if all this time, I’ve been dreaming?

She said she saw him with others.
Yes, I too shared a fragment of my life with someone.
Someone who in the end only made me love him more.
Someone who in the end only made me wish for that happiness, yet again.

Does he share his smile with those others?
Does he share his laughter with them?
Does he share his stories, his tears, his uneasiness, his turmoils?
Does he share his heart to them?

What if it’s all true?

“Aarggh….. Stop your whiny ass, Ret!”
“Get a grip of yourself.”
“He doesn’t love you, period.”
“It’s time you move on and wipe that sulky face off of you.”
“You’re not doing anybody any good.”
“There are millions of other guys out there. And if you don’t try to find yourself one right now, you might never will.”
“Shop around. Get as many door prizes on your way before you hit the jackpot. Before you get the grand prize.”

It’s such a slap on my face.
It’s cold, bitter, and harsh.
And what’s worse, my sister didn’t say all these words.

I did.

DAMN YOU!!!

2005-01-24T21:58:00.000+07:00

Damn you for appearing in my life.
Damn you for turning my life upside down.
For making my life miserable.
For tearing my life apart.
For causing me more heart burns.
For making me weak.

Damn you for letting me love you.

Damn you for not loving me back.

And…

Damn you!!!
For I can’t not love you.

Karma

2005-01-24T09:40:00.000+07:00

What is “Karma”?
Some belief? Or is it a real thing?

I didn’t believe in Karma.
Until one day, it changed my life completely.

The sky was blue that day.
And the sun still shines brightly when we were brisk walking at the pedestrian.
It was blazing and I couldn’t help but think, what if, the sun just disappear once in a while. What if, we could have one cool and breezy morning.

My wish was granted.
The clouds moved closer together, inching towards each other, blocking the sun.
I thought, “What a nice change. Let’s see how long this cool breezy could last. One or two minutes should do.”

Nope.
It lasted longer.
Much longer.

Try five hours.

The first one minute was quite enjoyable. I never liked the cold. I prefer slightly warm weather. But the scorching heat was unbearable, and it was actually nice not to see the sun for a while.

The second minute was still okay, but I was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable, since it was soon very windy. The wind blew harder than usual.

The third minute up to the 300th was very uncomfortable. I just realized, it turned out, I didn’t really enjoy the change. I had to hold my breath because otherwise, strong wind will blow up from beneath me, lifting my skirt (this is probably what Bruce Almighty might do), forcing me to squint my eyes, because otherwise, sand will fly right into my eyes, forcing me to tighten my jacket.

After 5 hours, I decided I'm not gonna like the new weather. It’s just not for me.
After 5 hours, I realized I was sentenced with Karma.

And now, I like the old weather better.
It suits me fine…

The Two Bitches and Their Gay Friend

2005-01-23T18:34:00.000+07:00

It was a Saturday afternoon that we arranged to meet.
Boy, the people at Coffee Bean never knew what hit them.

It was a loud pack. Well, at least two of them were loud. And one just kept on cursing “Maless banget…”

No, it was not a regular pack. It was not even formed before that very day.
But somehow the chemistry said it was just right. (Right guys?)

Maybe because the three of them were singles. Were they happy? Well, judging from their loud laughs, they must be. Or maybe they were simply on drugs.

I don’t know.

That’s singles’ life I was talking about.

I can’t complain.
Single is what I chose to be, for the time being, at least.

And thankfully, I still have my other two single friends who share the same interest in laughing matter: gay in tight shirts, big mommas, and last but certainly not least: ourselves.

I missed someone so much that day.
Someone I hold so dearly in my heart. Someone who always seems to succeed in ripping my heart, torn my feelings into pieces. Someone I cannot seem to forget. Someone I cry over days and again.
Someone I can’t seem to get enough of.

That someone made me realize maybe it’s times like this that I need.
Just loud conversations and terribly shocking laughs over nonsense. Something to get by.
Something to buy me happiness, or is it for me to fast forward everything, so that the night will fall soon, and so that I can get back to my bed, get back to my own dreams of happiness?
So that I will forget my problems?

The pack kinda makes me feel like we were on one of the episodes of Sex and the City.
No, the gay friend I was referring to was not gay. At least he didn’t admit it, hahaha…
No, I’m pretty sure he’s not.
As for me and my loud half, well, we’re merely two lonely people, trying to whisk away our loneliness by being the loudest ones in the building.

The sight makes you remember that Carrie and her friends always make time to meet regularly, once a week, just to talk about nonsense.

Well, in that case, the two bitches and their gay friend will meet again.
They will torture everyone. Just for the sake of their own peace of mind.

Cheers guys, see you soon.

(To K & Ar: Thanks for the other day, guys. I had the best time with you.)

Sigh of Relieve – dedicated to K

2005-01-20T20:58:00.000+07:00

Sigh…..

It’s a sigh of relieve.

I read K’s blog.
And I really could understand her turmoil.

When your mind and your heart conflict, there’s no easy way to know which one is wiser.

Love messed you up in such a way that you think you can never bounce back.
If only Love is Cupid and not Aphrodite.
There will be no jealousy; there will be no possessiveness; no heart breaks.
And last, there will be no conflicting feelings. No turmoils.

And LOVE, will become bland.

Sigh.
Yes…

If you’re hurting, if you’re reeling with happiness, that’s your risk and reward.
But Love is a Heart game, not a Mind game.

Listen to the hot babe, Aphrodite.
Love is about roller coaster feelings, love-hate relationships, happy-tear jerking experiences, and all the sorts.

Jump into it.
When you’re lucky, you’d fly and you will scream out “Geronimo”.
When you’re not, you’d cry for two days non-stop (and that’s the most).

But it’s worth the shot.

And if you’re still wondering now, take a deep breath and sigh…
For we all will sigh along…

Pictures...

2005-01-18T09:30:00.000+07:00

The picture moved slow. It was shaded grey and blue and white. Maybe this is what dreams must be like in 3D.

A lady was sitting in a park bench, watching the crowd, the passer-bys. Her eyes fell to a young family walking towards her. Young, happy family.

The father looked familiar. She kept searching in her head for his data file. The two children; the older one is a son, he looks just like his father, a bit shy and bookish. But his eyes emanates strength in them. The younger one, a cute little girl. Her eyes sharp, and they showed brilliance. She is far more lively than her brother. She’s fair skinned and blushing red all over from running too much.

The lady kept looking and finally her eyes met the wife’s. She kept looking for any signs of warmth towards her. There were none. They did not know each other.

The family was happy. And they walked passed her as if she was invisible. As if they didn’t know her. They didn’t. At least most of them didn’t.

The father glanced sideways, and his eyes met hers. They were locked for a second or two. A tiny smile appeared at the corner of his mouth. And he moved on.
He did know her. He did. Too well, in fact.
And her search in her data file was complete. She recognized him.

It was a face she buried in her memories years back. A face she strived to forget. A face she thought she’d never see again, yet she did.

He was happy. He had a beautiful and happy family.
She was happy. She finally could get over him. And moved on with her life.

The lady stood up, glanced at the young family one more time. The husband saw hear leave and smiled at her. She smiled back. For the last time.
She walked farther from them.

Then suddenly, the picture went blank.
She woke up. She was inside her own dream. Or was it?

She realized, all she wishes now is for him to be happy.
Even if she’s not in the picture.
Even if she has to remain as a stranger.
Even if it means she shatters her lifetime dream, and make do with the new ones.
Even if it means she cannot hold him by her side, forever.

But she will stock bits of memories of him in her head. And in her head, she will play her own little version of their happiness.

In her head alone, he will be happy, with her…

My Prayers

2005-01-17T21:34:00.000+07:00

Dear God,

I’m kneeling before You.
Surrender at Your mercy.

Please forgive me for I have sinned.

Today will be the day that I will open a new page in my life.
Today will be the day that I will pull the curtains for the show is over.
The main character died. He killed himself.
Leaving one big mess in the twisted plot.
Leaving a crying ragged woman widowed.

I have for so many days forgotten You.
I have neglected Your words.
And I have for so many days asked You for what I want, and not for what I need.

Today, I’m humbled.
For I have sinned.
For I am a mere dust to You.
For I am nothing.

Dear God,

Please show me the way.
For I am blind.

Lend me Your hand, and I shall take it.

Dear God,

Please hear my prayers.

Diary of a Loser

2005-01-16T23:56:00.000+07:00

Monday.
Today went regular. Nothing really sparked. Work’s so-so. Just like any other regularly mundane work day. It’s the start of the week and I can’t feel I’m lifted up, energized. Or whatever you call it. Sigh… it’s gonna be a hell of a looong week.

Tuesday.
A friend came over. Caused hell of a commotion at the office. Man, oh man, was everyone thirsty or what? Well, he looked “calendar boy” handsome and everyone just couldn’t stop gawking at him (who can blame them, huh?) Aarrgh… I’m soo embarrassed… Well, at the very least, that put us all in good mood and so I didn’t mind leaving the office at such late hour.

Wednesday.
Shucks. It’s hectic Wednesday again. Lotsa things to do. My most favorite workday. Nothing really important, but good enough that I don’t sit idle like any other day. Tried forcing my fat lazy ass to join the gym. Just 15 minutes on the treadmill and I already lost my breath. No problem, just do the squats and some other sculpting routine. Pathetic. It’s my first day and I didn’t even impress myself.

Thursday.
Business is looking up? Dunno. The JV between our mother company with some rich Italian company came as a shock late last year. But hey, it’s really nothing we could complain about, so what the heck. It’s not like we’re not confused enough, but oh well… It’s just gonna be another day sitting in the same desk for some other company. C’est la vie, ma chérie…

Friday.
Oh, I was so excited bout this gym thing (we’ll just see how long it will last, okay?). Friday mornin’! Always a good day to pump some of your abdomen muscles. Yeah, baby, check me out in 2 months, whoah… Lunch at Ambassador. The gals got TransTool for the office and I got some Whiskas for my babies. Went to EX to meet with BAA, FN and A in the evening. Talked about PR stuff over bowling. Hah, we only chatted for like 30 minutes on the program and the rest, well, let’s just say the bowling place is no place for any meetings to run effectively. Man, I had a sore fist for that incident. Turned my mood all off. That b**ch.

Saturday.
A lonely pathetic bitch feels sorry for herself. Saturday morning rituals. Wash the car, make the bed, clean up the room, get ready for CCF. I don’t take up the class anymore, I just show up to meet the gals. Another pathetic point of mine. Damnit, I feel so desperate. Good thing I’ve got plans to meet up with K. Lunch it is. Lotsa laughs. Just what I need. Hey, thanks, gal. Left PS at 7 and home. Dang it, the night’s still young and I was already tucked in before 10. Singles’ life sucks.

Sunday.
Today started late. Lazed around all day. Hoping the Jane Fonda routine would lift my mood. It didn’t. What happened that Friday night still lingered. Couldn’t shake it off. I feel my blood boils every time I’m reminded of it. I know I don’t have any rights to be upset. And that’s just worse. Why can’t I have a f**king happy life? Got through today with hundreds of sms. Thanks guys. a friend called in the afternoon. Woke me up. I hate taking afternoon naps, and I hate the interruption more. But this time, it was good. Got to read some books. Didn’t leave the house for one bit.
I can’t accept the fact that I’m so unlovable that the only one person I wanna be with does not want to be with me. That I feel certain extreme measures has to be taken and yet I know the possibility of them succeeding is next to nil. That I’ve gone from a good person to bad, then worse, and now, pure evil, only for the sake of good companionship gone awry. I hate myself lately. I hate myself for every single day of my life from that particular point of time to indefinite period.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my diary, and this is my life.

I AM that loser.

2005-01-13T10:33:00.000+07:00

Once again, I'm hurt.....

And I will do nothing about it.
Just let it be.

A Wanna-Be

2005-01-12T20:31:00.000+07:00

I read my best friend’s blog that she posted yesterday.
I read my other best friend’s short story that he sent to me this morning.

I’ve always wanted to be a writer.
And I’ve always considered myself talented (or something to that extent).
People (my friends and my family, of course) even encouraged me to pursue this dream.

But suddenly after I finished reading their composition, I feel like such a wanna-be.
Nothing more than a dreamer.

A mere sidekick in one of those heroic stories, someone who is there for the sake of her presence. She doesn’t do much. She just lives up the day by her wit.
She just dreams to become the real hero, but at the end of the day has to wake up to the fact that reality bites. That she’s only good for swinging canes and not really bash the bad guys with swords.

I read a line by Eleanor Roosevelt last night (thanks for the book, Rie…).
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

I was lifted up for a moment. I should try and try and try to better myself.
But what if it’s my own inner self that shouts “Hey, you’re no good, man!”
What if all this time, I’ve been undermining myself? What if all this time, I’ve been doing everything that it takes to sabotage my own personal development?

What if I’m the reason to my own low self-confidence? To all my failures?

Darnit…

I hate waking up startled like this…

Happy Birthday to You...

2005-01-03T01:00:00.000+07:00

Happy birthday, A…

Hope you get everything you wish for.
Everything you strive for.

Most of all, hope you will be happy.

Dream what may become

2005-01-02T23:51:00.000+07:00

I dreamed you were crying.
I dreamed I was crying along with you.

Was it just a dream?
Or was it a reality?

Whatever it was, I wish I could just get up or pick another scene.
A much happier scene.

I dream us smiling.
I dream us on the swings, laughing with the soft rustling wind on our hair.
I dream us old and grey, holding hands…

Can I wake up? Knowing that the scene is far from becoming…
Or is it, and I’m just to drowsy to realize it?

I don’t know…

Maybe I should just get back to my dreamless sleep…

2005-01-01T10:00:00.000+07:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!

Churn...

2004-12-28T18:42:00.000+07:00

Been praying a lot lately.
What with Mom away.
What with all I wanted to have in life.

Will God understand my prayers?
Will God give them or will HE think I only come to HIM during tough times?

Yeah, can’t complain.

My stomach’s full.
It’s bloated with sins.

How do I dare beg when I ain’t a good human being?
When I ain’t a good person?

I feel empty.

I feel deserted.

Everything important to me was cast away.
Swept by the massive power of something I don’t even recognize.

I imagine being stuck in an elevator. All alone. By my lonely self.

It feels good, really.
It feels different to be alone.
Like I’ve never felt before, being in the crowd all the time.

Maybe I just want to be alone.
Maybe…

Hajj

2004-12-28T07:04:00.000+07:00

Mom’s left for Hajj yesterday afternoon.
First I thought I’d miss her. Well, the fact that I will be stuck with Dad the whole time is quite depressing. But Mom seemed to be confident about leaving. She seemed happy. So, there’s not much I can do to hold her, I mean even Dad didn’t ask her not to go. I don’t have any rights to.

She’s supposed to arrive in Medina already. Can’t get a hold on her news yet though.
A bit worried. Waiting for news from her like this is really devastating. Is she okay, is she well, we don’t know.

Maybe just have to trust everything will be okay.

Let’s sure hope so.

Mom, stay safe there, aight.
Am praying here for you.

Tsunami

2004-12-27T14:02:00.000+07:00

Asian Tsunami killed up to 14,425

COLOMBO (Reuters) - Soldiers searched for bodies in treetops, families wept over the dead lined up on beaches and rescuers scoured coral isles for missing tourists as Asia counted the cost on Monday of a tsunami that killed up to 14,425.

Idyllic palm-fringed beaches across southern Asia were transformed into scenes of death and devastation by the waves unleashed by the world's biggest earthquake in 40 years that struck off the Indonesian island of Sumatra early on Sunday.

"Death came from the sea," Satya Kumari, a construction worker living on the outskirts of the former French enclave of Pondicherry, India, told Reuters. "The waves just kept chasing us. It swept away all our huts. What did we do to deserve this?"

The wall of water up to 10 meters (30 feet) tall flattened houses, hurled fishing boats onto coastal roads, sent cars spinning through swirling waters into hotel lobbies and sucked sunbathers and fishermen off beaches and out to sea.

Worst affected were Sri Lanka where 4,890 were killed, the southeast coast of India where officials reported as many as 4,600 could be dead, northern Indonesia with up to 4,500 drowned and the southern tourist isles of Thailand where as many as 400 were feared dead.
"We are not well equipped to deal with a disaster of this magnitude because we have never known a disaster like this," Sri Lankan President Chandrika Kumaratunga, who declared a national disaster and appealed for donor aid, said from holiday in Britain.
It was the worst natural disaster to hit Sri Lanka in recorded history. Officials the death toll could rise substantially as troops recovered bodies dragged out to sea or smashed on golden beaches.

Indonesian soldiers searched for bodies in tree tops and in the wreckage of homes smashed by the tsunami, triggered by the 9.0 magnitude earthquake that struck off the coast of northern Sumatra island killing at least 4,448 people there.
"It smells so bad, fishy. The human bodies are mixed in with dead animals like dogs, fish, cats and goats," said marine colonel Buyung Lelana, head of an evacuation team in Lhokseumawe in Sumatra's Aceh province.

"There are still a lot of bodies under the wreckage of collapsed houses and in rivers and swamps that we have not yet evacuated. Most of them are children and their mothers," he said.
International aid agencies rushed staff, equipment and money to the region, warning that bodies rotting in the water were already beginning to threaten the water supply for survivors.
The Geneva-based International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies said it was seeking 7.5 million Swiss francs ($6.5 million) for emergency aid funding.

BATTERED BY ROCKS
"Many of the dead bodies were found in houses. Their heads were cracked, probably battered by rocks," said Mustofa, mayor of Bireuen regency on the north coast of Sumatra.
The head of the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center in Los Angeles said U.S. officials who detected the undersea quake tried frantically to get a warning out about the tsunami.
But there was no official alert system in the region, said Charles McCreery, director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration's center in Honolulu.
"It took an hour and a half for the wave to get from the earthquake to Sri Lanka and an hour for it to get ... to the west coast of Thailand and Malaysia," he said.

"We tried to do what we could. We don't have contacts in our address book for anybody in that part of the world," he said.

The earthquake was the world's biggest since 1964 and the fourth-largest since 1900.
Hundreds of thousands left homeless in Sri Lanka and fearing another devastating wave sheltered in temples and schools. The southern coastal town of Galle, a major industrial hub famed for its historic fort, had been submerged by a 9-meter (30-ft) wave.
Wailing relatives scrambled over hundreds of bodies piled in a hospital in nearby Karapitiya, searching for loved ones.

Residents milled in streets outside the Karapitiya Teaching Hospital, shirts or handkerchiefs clutched over their noses against the overpowering stench of decaying bodies.
"We have got hundreds of dead that we have dealt with," said a hospital official. "I don't know what to do."

Corpses of hundreds of those drowned lay bloated and disfigured in the lobby and corridors. A stream of cars, ambulances and trucks arrived, bringing more dead.
The body of a pregnant woman lay in the lobby. Nearby, a woman collapsed as she identified a relative. Many of the dead were children. A nurse wept as she picked up the body of a baby.
Officials said 800,000 people had been forced from their homes.
On India's southeast coast, thousands of villagers huddled inside emergency shelters, too scared to sleep in case of another tsunami.

"I could see dead bodies all around and the devastation is of colossal proportions," Tamil Nadu chief minister Jayaram Jayalalithaa said after touring the worst hit areas of her state.
"I have been waiting for my husband and brother since yesterday," wept 38-year-old Narasamma as she stood on a beach near Mypadu, a fishing hamlet 600 km (375 miles) south of Hyderabad, capital of southern Andhra Pradesh state.
"I am not sure they will come back," she said. On the horizon, the wreckage of wooden fishing boats dotted the sea.

TOURIST ISLE DEVASTATED
The tourist islands and beaches of southern Thailand lay in the path of the wave that had killed up to 400. On the Patong tourist beach in Phuket, hotels and restaurants were wrecked and speed boats were rammed into buildings. "I was sitting on the first floor of a bar, not far from the beach, watching cricket," said Australian tourist, Stephen Dicks, 42. "And suddenly all these people came screaming from the beach.

"I looked around and saw a massive wall of water rushing down the street. It completely wiped out the ground floor of my bar ... It happened very fast, in a matter of minutes."
The tsunami was so powerful it smashed boats and flooded areas along the east African coast, 6,000 km (3,728 miles) away. In the Maldives, where thousands of foreign visitors were vacationing in the beach paradise, damage appeared to be limited.
With communications cut to remote areas, it was impossible to assess the full scale of the disaster, aid agencies said.

The Indian air force was trying to reach the remote Nicobar and Andaman archipelagos near the heart of the quake where officials said as many as 2,000 were feared dead.

==========

That was the clip of e-mail I got early today. What is it that we've done so wrong to deserve it? It's not the question, really. But what can we do to help, what can we do to contribute to these people?

Dear God, please have mercy on us all.

Christmas

2004-12-25T00:00:00.000+07:00

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...

Have a happy holiday!!!

Stay Away!!!!!

2004-12-20T13:00:00.000+07:00

I DON'T WANT ANYTHING ANYMORE.
NO MORE!

JUST GO.

Perish.

I'm hurt once too many.
Leave me be.

Shoo!!! I don't want you bugging me anymore.
SCRAM, you lousy feelings.

I want to be numb.
And stay numb.
So you won't hurt me anymore.

Nike Timing

2004-12-19T20:12:00.000+07:00

5 years ago time was all we had. It was all that I could give.
Time is a luxury we cannot afford to have anymore these days.
And I see we agree to that.

And even though I don’t have it anymore, I will give time.
Because now, it’s all that we need. And because I can offer nothing else.

Hope it’s enough.

Letter to my dearest…

2004-12-18T23:27:00.000+07:00

Pejaten, 5/2/2004

Di bawah pendudukan Bobo…

My dearest,

Life works in a very mysterious way. And I really can’t see what’s coming even right before it happens. But you mustn’t forget that women do have a very strong intuition. And call it what you like: female intuition at work, strong hunch, or even paranoia; I still will stand on my grounds. I really can’t rid of my sinking gut feeling, forcing me to stop and think. Keeping my eyes awake. I just can’t rest assured that even the willow-man will back me up.

Dreams are made of wind and pleasant thoughts so what is it that kept me awake? Nightmares?

I cannot foresee the future, and even the great centaurs can’t read what it’s said in the starts for destiny’s change. I have always believe in fate and destiny; and thousands of other magical things. But lately I seem to have missed my grasp. There’s an unknown power at work. Something vengeful is taking place and cut me off right before the end of the tunnel.

Why do I feel that I may never see you standing by, at the ready, with a strong firm hand to embrace me, of pull me if necessary, out of the darkness, to reunite with you? To walk alongside you, in the green meadow, with grass glimmering with dew, and all colorful butterflies flying just within our reach?

Why can’t I see that in my dreams anymore? Am I too hurt? Or am I too tired to dream that only nightmares full of beasts and bloody sweats come visit me at night? Or am I wishing too much if I wished a silver knight would challenge the beast to rescue me at the tunnel?

I didn’t dare send this letter to my dearest A back then. But now I hope this long lost letter will change things for the better.

Hope you see it now, A.

Rain

2004-12-10T21:18:00.000+07:00

It’s pouring rain out.
I pulled the curtain and glanced out the window.
It’s dark out.

It’s eerie. Yet peaceful.
Looking out in the rain makes you travel.

Float in beds of thoughts and wild imaginations.

I imagine baby ducks swimming in the puddle right outside my house. Quacking happily, thanking the rain.

I imagine peasant boys running in the meadows, racing with their own dreams of the city life, days imitating their favorite Hollywood actors.
I imagine a car trapped in the parking lot, with two people enjoying every bit of raindrops on the windshield, flowing with the rhythm of their kiss.
I imagine young mothers feeding their newborn children, making funny faces and noises to make them eat with their babies gurgling along.
I imagine little children sitting and playing on their front porch, hands stretched out, heads up to the sky, trying to get as much rain touch their taste buds.

I imagine the TV blaring in the room next door, trying to beat up traffic sound down below, competing with the honking car horns, with the bright lights lining up on the streets.
I imagine the voice echoing down the hall as the last person leaves the office, leaving the room empty, as the last shriek of laughter of my colleagues die out.
I imagine a young girl sitting low in the corner of her narrow room, eyes to her feet, with tears trickling down her cheek. Her left hand open, and her right holding a rusty blade, red with her own blood. I imagine what terrible ordeal she must have gone through, how hollow she must have felt when she decides to end her life.

The traffic is still crazy. Still have no idea where to go.
Home doesn’t sound too appealing at this instant.
Yet another minute will drive me crazy here.

I, as half of the world, still don’t know what I’m doing here. What’s the purpose of my life.
But the rain outside only tells me that every day is a brand new day.
It didn’t rain yesterday, it may not rain tomorrow.
Today, it does. And it opens up new perspective.

I’m not gonna be that kid who runs in the village.
But I ain’t gonna be that girl who slashed her wrist to answer her problems.

I will be that baby duck.

..........

2004-12-06T06:44:00.000+07:00

..........
.........
........
.......
......
.....
....
...
..
.

I'm tired

Babysitting

2004-12-05T19:52:00.000+07:00

Timezone trip.
A day out for a 5 year old and two young adults.

Children are treat for sore eyes. In this case, wounded soul.

I love children. And I think my expressiveness has drawn them to me too.

They say, in your latter years, your children are the glue that holds your marriage together.
And I’m safe to say that when things don’t go as you planned, these little people just managed to pull the corner of your mouths, and without you realizing it, you’re smiling already.

Let’s just hope we won’t be hanging our lives on their shoulders to keep us happy…

Thanks Kid. You did good.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2004-12-04T16:38:00.000+07:00

I’m just a fucked up girl looking for a peace of mind. You know me, I’m impulsive. I will think you’re boring, but that’s me – Clementine

Focus Entertainment presents:
“Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”
Jim Carrey (Joel), Kate Winslet (Clementine), Kirsten Dunst (Mary), Elijah Wood (Patrick), Mark Rufallo (Stan), and Tom Wilkinson (Howard)

A catchy title, isn’t it? It’s actually a clip of a very famous quotation from someone, I don’t remember. Not a typical Hollywood movie. I walked out of the theater deep in thoughts. Just my type of movie. Light enough to be entertaining, but deep enough to make you think.

The human brain works in a very mysterious way. Just like a computer hard drive, certain segments or memories of your life can be deleted, at your request.

Joel, someone who said he is the kind of person who never does things on impulse, while Clementine, on the other hand acts solely on hers. They met, and both were madly in love until on decided she was tired of their relationship.

Clementine had Joel erased from her mind. And out of misery from being a complete stranger to his own girlfriend, Joel decided to take up the same procedure, to erase her from his mind. Only later did he realize that he doesn’t want to face a day not remembering her. That he wants to keep their memories.

Did you ever feel like Joel? Or Clementine? Did you ever wish you could just have a fairy godmother flick her magic wand and erase someone off your memory for good because it just hurts too much? Or even worse yet, out of impulse?

I have. Lots of times.

It hurts too much to bear the fond memories I had with someone I know I’m never gonna be together with, ever again. And it even hurts much more to know that I can do nothing about it.

If I could just have an expert like Howard to remove his memories from my brain, perhaps I’d be free. Born a new person.

But the thing is, even the seemingly flawless and foolproof procedure could go wrong. Somehow, someone can just hold on to that memory. Somehow, even when the memories are lost, the universe makes way for two people to meet, yet again, as complete strangers to finally fall for each other once again. Like Joel and Clementine did.

I’d wished for a lot of things. And one of them is to be able to forget him. So people like Patrick could get through. Well, Patrick did. He swooped in. He fell in love with Clementine the very first time he laid eyes on her, and like young boys, he did just about anything to win her. But Clementine was not half as happy as she was with Joel. Because Patrick was just a wanna-be. A mere copycat.

Joel and Clementine, both fought the process. They both met as strangers and fell in love again. Only a short while until Mary decided to tell each and everyone who has gone through the same procedure, that their memories have been erased. She brought their memories back after knowing that she too once experienced the same experiment. And Joel and Clementine found themselves two strangers madly in love who has a huge history.

Will they ever be happy? It’s up to them to decide.

I watched the movie with my friend. And she said “well, maybe the bottom line is, whatever we do, we cannot erase our memories…”
I agree. The only thing we can do is deal with it, and move on. No matter how hard it is…

As for me?

Recent memories will certainly add more files and perhaps one day, when my brain capacity no longer could store these memories, one by one, less important ones will be replaced. But he will never disappear. And for the most part, he will be stocked in my most hidden folders so that it could not be deleted.

Now I hope this will bring me my own “eternal sunshine”…

"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" - Jiffest
Saturday, 4 Dec 2004 14.30 Graha Bhakti Budaya

MARUFUKU

2004-11-25T14:07:00.000+07:00

Hmm…..
Full tummy. Japanese food.
Thankful as I am, I still have some complaints about the lunch.
Am I that bad?

Eating out is not only for satisfying the stomach, but the heart too.
I was full. So full. Yet I am NOT content.
Especially not since everyone was so vile towards each other.
Is that “togetherness” that we for so long have been cheering for?
Or is it just too many people wanting to be heard at the same time, all the while not wanting to listen to others?

Humans. The nature of which includes the basic needs of socializing.
But is it socializing when people pick on someone so helpless (and choose not to defend himself from the mockery of others) in front of his colleagues, feeling so freely to promote the filthy habit and invite more people - stupid and mean enough to participate in the event - along?
Is it socializing when we undermine people and mock them as if nothing happened and play innocent and act as if we ourselves were the most perfect human being compared to other we considered “less fortunate” or by definition less bitchy?
Is it socializing when instead of thanking the one person acting as your sponsor, you corner him with all the rubbish and gang up on him as if he did nothing and as if you were the one person who makes everything happen for everyone else around you?

Am I that bad for restraining myself? Am I that bad for not wanting to get dragged down by the horrible people at work who have got nothing better to do than say bad things about others?

Funny is a funny word. It does not mean a general thing. Something funny for someone may be humiliating to others. One’s mishap can be hilarious to someone else.
But I know that funny does not mean to force a smile and pretend you’re doing okay when your blood is boiling.

Maybe to some particular people at work, funny means when he/she can laugh at someone and make him wish for death sentence than being punished with utter humiliation in front of his own supervisor, and especially in front of his subordinate.

I’d rather be a complete unsocial than be amongst those bitches.
I’d rather sit at the corner of the table, laughing at my own jokes, and gather with the “less famous” people than sit next to the loudest person in the room, giving out fake laughs when she mocks my dear boss in front of me, for something not even remotely related to work, and pretend that she was just being “funny” while deep down inside I just want to rip her mouth for being such a bitch.

Maybe I’m just being a brat. Maybe I’m just being a spoiled girl. Maybe I’m being irrational. Maybe I’m just not showing my gratitude.
Or maybe I’m just being a perfectly sane and normal person who has a certain amount of patience and when it runs out, I just want to scream my lungs out.

Please help me out, give me strength. I need it. A whole damn LOT.

Si Kepala Besar

2004-11-23T16:23:00.000+07:00

“During JT’s leave there is no one in charge for the job cost. Perhaps it’s time that SRS learns to design a job cost?”

Those pearly words didn’t come from the big director to the employee, nor did it come from an immediate supervisor to his subordinate. It came from someone, not even remotely related in job structure, from someone not even a senior to her colleague (with the same level of responsibility). To one of my best friends at work.

Let’s just name the wise @$$ “Si Kepala Besar”. There’s nothing more appropriate to name the person. She’s bossy, bitchy, and she’s a backstabber. A “perfect” colleague. Someone who can really gets on your nerve at such close proximity.

She was my teammate before. But her sharp mouth is the last thing I want to see each and every morning. And every night, at every waking moment, I could not stop dreading going to work, to meet with her. And after 9 months of suffering, I finally shout out to the world, “heck, I can’t work with this person.”

I'm a quitter, I'd have to admit that. But I loved myself more to risk having a heart attack or high blood pressure everytime I have to sit face to face with her, everytime I hoped that she’s not gonna mock me for something we disagree upon in front of her dear darling boss. She’s a pain to me. Even long after we don’t work together.

My replacement, who turned out to be one of my bestfriends at work (NRH) complained about her “darling” teammate not 1 week after her first day. Another colleague (JR) who is in my division got a round of her “quick wit” when she scolds him in public (out loud) for not wanting to pick up the phone and answer to clients request, not long into his 2nd week of work. Another colleague of mine (TYU) got one too, when she “summoned” her to her desk to help her out with some statistics problem.

Her bossiness and bitchiness weren’t the biggest problem that we had to face with. A far bigger problem was that she can be very nice to you, enough to make you consoled with her (hah, stupid me), and then she’d tell on your boss saying the exact same thing you told her (that you don’t get your boss, that sometimes you think your boss does not like your work), and in the end, earn a couple of extra points to her advantage.

Si Kepala Besar. Everytime there’s a new breed coming to work with us, she’d lurk them and try to be their friends, and somehow they managed to get rid of her the soon as they “woke up”. It seems that no sane person in this floor would stay friends with her. Why is it like that, I don’t even know. She’s not bad to look at. She’s even smart. But somehow, the rest of us feel that that’s not the only thing we need in a worker (and especially in a human being).

No, I made peace with her a long time ago. Exactly 1 year ago right after I confronted her, I had to make peace with myself that this person is never going to change. And I’d be wasting my breath even thinking that she could be a less bitchy person.

However, Si Kepala Besar did teach me a very valuable lesson. That TRUST is one priceless thing. It’s not one thing on bargain sale. Nor is it a bulk commodity. Trust is something you gain for being yourself. For giving your true sincere intentions. I learned from Si Kepala Besar that we shouldn’t trust her with any real problems. That on the other hand we should be able to tell which friends are worthy of our trust. And NRH, SRS, TYU, and JR are some amongst all that you can be sure to keep your trust.

Well Kepala Besar. Thanks for your tips.

The Incredibles

2004-11-17T15:24:00.000+07:00

The Incredibles sure is incredible. The people at Pixar sure are geniuses. Bravo, you guys. Hats off to all of you.

I don’t know how this super hero movie tops everything I’ve watched before.
To me, it tops Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and all the other super heroes. (No offense to the people who make them, but their stories are lame – now that I’ve seen The Incredibles.)

Mr. Incredible’s attributes were Strength, Agility, Durability, and Leaping Ability. While Elastigirl’s were Flexibility, Agility, Durability, and Leaping Ability. But their physical strength was not the reason why they’re great.

It all started when Mr. Incredible married Elastigirl. And they were happily married, although they had to live in hiding. No more fighting off the bad guys, they had to lay low and raise their 3 children together, as ordinary people, and yet they raise their children to realize that they do have super powers, power beyond any other ordinary human beings have, and that they use them to help others.

Violet, the first born was very shy. She did develop a very keen knowledge that she can stay invisible. She only discovered her ultimate power to produce a very powerful Force Field later. As a first born, she could not handle her younger brother, Dash whose power was Speed and Super Reaction Time. They both however, possess the same power their parents have: Durability. The last born, Jack Jack appeared to be perfectly normal (by normal it means not having special powers), but the nanny discovered that Jack Jack was able to transform into various things in an instant. He could transform itself into a fire ball, a heavy lead, a ball of ice, etc.

The super attributes these characters possess were nothing more than those of Superman’s Spiderman’s and all other super heroes. But what makes it stand apart?

Mr. Incredible said that “I always work alone.” And so did Elastigirl. But when Mr. Incredible were in trouble, all of the sudden, the family of super heroes had to rescue him and even his very young children took part in the rescue mission.

Family. I only discovered that it’s one of the most important things a person could possibly have. Family does not only mean those who are related to you by blood. But those who are close to your heart, no matter how unrelated they are, should remain a family to you.

In this holiday season, people rush to their trips, to fight the traffic, through the hell of “mudik”, and through the painstakingly unreliable schedules. And for what? A day or two in your hometown? I never comprehended that long before. But this year I have to see that it does matter to the “mudik-ers” to spend some valuable time back home, with their dear family.

In the holidays season, through your strong and weak, and most of all, in your tough times, you will see just how valuable your family and friends are.

A very dear friend of mine lost her father some time in September. The leader of the family now falls to her hands. And I witnessed just how hard it is for her to be strong for her mother and her 3 sisters, all the while she had to face the grief by herself. She endured all that by the thought of her father. She endured, knowing she has to provide for the family, to be responsible for her family. Sometimes sacrificing her own leisure.

She practically lost her youth. Did she regret it? No.

And I could not help but feel a sense of pride every time I see her. She’s far stronger than she may think. And at times she feels like giving up, at times she feels like the burden is just too heavy on her shoulders, I know her father is with her, all the way. Sometimes she feels she missed out on a lot with her father gone. But it just proves that she will only have to love her family even more.

K, your father is watching over you. And don’t you worry, he will help you on your decisions. He will help you through the tough times, in ways that you will not understand. But he will be there.

The Incredibles? The humor, the drama, the action. It’s just perfect. One perfect combination that really makes us realize that despite the hell you go through, despite all the suspense and action, in the end, your family will humor you, your family will give you a pat on the back for doing well, and a rub on your shoulders when things don’t go as you planned.

Why does The Incredibles beat all other super hero movies? Because it makes you realize just how valuable your family and friends are.

To everyone out there, when you do have time, do see the movie. For you will have a whole different perspective towards your family once you see it. I know I have.

Ibu, Ayah, Mbak (+husband), I love you guys. You’re just incredible.
Thanks for being there for me all this time.

Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin

2004-11-14T07:00:00.000+07:00

MINAL AIDIN WAL FAIDZIN
Mohon Maaf Lahir Batin.

Happy Idul Fitri 1425 H.

May this year be filled with blessings.
May we conquer all temptations that drives us further from Him.
And may we all return to our innocence, to our pure self.

Happy holidays...

La vie est compliquée

2004-11-08T13:23:00.000+07:00

Life is complicated.

It is filled with flying colors. It grants us vast of choices. And yet, people always seem to choose the highway. The safest route to success, to freedom. And in the end, perhaps people chose to be imprisoned in their own hesitation, rather than fly away and take the risk.

Why do people set up ground rules to restrict oh-so-many things? To make our own lives miserable knowing we will never have the option to be reckless and happy? Why do we care so much about losing everything? Or has the society cornered us all with the notion that we all have to live under certain boundaries, under certain standard to be well-accepted?

A recent event startled me, and totally woke up all my senses.

The life I lived before the big bang was interesting, in such a way that it kept me save. For some time. But then, something changed and all of the sudden my life was not safe anymore. I did not agree to the fact that we should put off all our desires once they are not met and that we should bow to (again) the ground rules. But who am I to judge? I was no more than a common person, trying to relive my happiness in the past. If possible, trying to grow it even more.

And I gave in. You know what’s really funny about it? I did get my desires. I did soar to higher places all the while I’m trying to fit in. Again, I represent the risk averse people trying to be happy. I represent the commoners. But it doesn’t matter. Not at all, really. Because I got what I want, and more: security.

Come to think of it, life is not as complicated as I once thought it would be. We just play along in this great big ploy. And try our best not to get hurt during the tough scenes. And we’ll be alright.

Won’t we?

Nothingness

2004-11-05T11:10:00.000+07:00

It’s still.
And quiet.

I’m cruising in my own thoughts, floating in my own imagination.
Afloat amongst the crowd surrounding me.
Yet still I feel alone.

I want to squirm in my own warmth of joy. I want to fight against my own desperation.
But I only came out wriggling in the heat of boundless hopes.
I wonder. Why does it itch so bad to stay still? To stay motionless?
Is it because the rest of the world stays dynamic, and constantly changing?
Is this how it feels to be numb?

The days went by.
There’s nothing I could possibly hope for to change.
Yes, everything remains the same.
Except for all other things that I indeed want to stay like they used to be.

Crumbs of challenge. That’s all I ask for.
I’m not gonna ask for the Everest.
I’m not gonna ask for the Antarctic Ocean.
I’m merely thirsty for new experience.
Interesting ones.

And yet, it all seems a world away.
It all seems next to impossible.

And now, I’m all alone.
Fighting my boredom to death.

Fighting this nothingness with all my might.

Let’s hope I succeed.

Time

2004-11-01T13:39:00.000+07:00

It’s no gold, nor is it gemstone. Yet, it is the most precious treasure of all.

I remember I once promised to give my time to someone.
Time was all we needed.
I had to bail out of that promise. Because in the end, I didn’t have it.

No, I didn’t have time.
Not for yet another waiting in vain.
Not for yet another uncertainty.

And now, I might have to be the jerk, again, to ask for more treasure than I could possibly bargain for, than for anyone could ever possess.

Now I have to be the bitch and do the least thing I desire.
To be a nagging, whining, and whinging person to claim my so-called “rights”.

What are my rights, really?
One hundred percent undivided attention?
Now, come on. Who deserves that, really?
Even God Almighty, who asked for His people to pray to Him 24 times a day had to face a tough bargain and had to settle for 5 prayers a day. And even that we still complain that it’s TOO much. That it takes up TOO much of our Time.

Time.
By far the one rare commodity that is not recyclable, not unlimited.
The one thing that even the richest person on earth still run out of.
The one thing that no great human being can argue to lack of the more they gain age.
The one thing even the number one racer in the whole wide world cannot beat.

They say “Time heals all pain” or “Time will answer”.
Do you believe in that?

Well, I do.
I mean, I have to.
Because everything leads to that.
Everything points to that direction, to force us to believe in the great power “Time” has.

It either let you succumb or let you survive.
It’s all your call.

And looking back I now think my “rights” are way too overstated.
No one gives away their time. They simply prioritize in their time management.

And I no longer have the right to demand more of the time I’m not granted.

If only it hurts less to know.

Bobo

2004-10-29T11:56:00.000+07:00

What do you know? Your pet can affect your life in the most unpredictable way.
I’ve always been fond of cats. Always have to have at least one in our home. I think cats are just the cutest animal on the planet.

My lovely cat’s name is Bobo. She’s a mix of Persian and non-breeder. She came to our house on 27th December 1997. She was already about 1 year at the time. So she must be around 8 years by now. On average, cats could live up to 10 years, some could stay to 13 or 15 years. So I’d say Bobo is mature in her age, but still fit.

But Bobo is ill. She caught some virus apparently (that was what the Vet said). She lost appetite, and she wouldn’t even want to touch her drink. The heat also added to her weak physics. She couldn’t stand, she could barely lift up her head, let alone walk. It hurts to see the usually strong and lively cat now lay helpless in bed. It hurts to see how she always ran around the house and tease us and now she couldn’t even jump on her 4 legs and would fall easily.

My mom said I should prepare if Bobo was trying to say goodbye. But I know that she’s going to hold on for me, for us all.

I remember when she was once catnapped by some freak who wanted fast money. They took Bobo when she was on her stroll in the neighborhood, kept her captive and finally said they would let her go if we paid some money. Those crazy b**t**ds. Good thing we got Bobo back, shivering, all thin and hungry. Never let her out of our sight ever since. I couldn’t sleep the whole week she was gone.

You may wonder, why Bobo could affect my life (our lives) like that.

No. it’s not because she’s cute. It’s not because she’s a mix breed. It’s because she kept us company through all hell. Bobo was always there, wait to greet me by the door when I come home. She would miao and climb up to bed and sit on my chest, every time she sees me lying from exhaustion. She would sit on your lap and purr like mad and pretend she was listening to our story when we were all talking to each other. Every time we’re feeling down, Bobo will always cheer us up.

There’s no moment like today when my dad called me up at work, and said Bobo is climbing down from bed. She’s walking around, and she took a sip from her favorite bowl. She’s getting better!

As always, Bobo cheered me up even from a distant.

Bobo, get well soon.

Marhaban ya Ramadhan

2004-10-15T04:15:00.000+07:00

“We do not perceive things the way they are. We perceive things the way we are.”

A quote that always reminds me, nobody’s perfect.

May this Ramadhan bring us all to our pure self.
May our prayers be heard.
May our good deeds be unconditional.

May we be better perceiver.

Happy Ramadhan 1425 H.

Un Cours Français

2004-10-08T13:08:00.000+07:00

Saisir, contraignant, faire frémir, intriguer, cerveau-taquiner, fasciner, impulsion-s'activer, etc...

Tout qu'ils disent sur le dos du livre broché du code de Da Vinci est vrai. Everything they say on the back of the paperback of The Da Vinci Code is true.

The plot line is very interesting, and the characters are built very strongly. Dan Brown est un génie. Peut-être un des meilleurs auteurs dans son âge. Well, I only figured this out, but I think I’m gonna put him in the same place as Michael Crichton and Frederick Forsythe.

The funny thing about reading a gripping novel is that somehow you want to hurry yourself to the end, and just 10 page before the last you’d like to stop a while, and really try to let the words seep in. Somehow you’d feel that it’s such a waste to part with such a good book so soon.

Perhaps it’s one of the reasons why I’ll never be able to finish a 500 page book in one sitting. But then again, there’s always other factors such as fatigue, boredom, sore eyes, time limit, and all the sort.

Come to think of it, a relationship is just like a good book.

The first quarter is gripping. You’re bombarded with lots of new information. The character building is strong and its conflict results in a whole new set of experience. You will read it at full speed, zooming your eyes from the left top corner to the right bottom corner in no time.

The second quarter lets you slow down a bit. You will take your time to really let the words consume you. Sometimes you even have to squint your eyes just so you can understand what is being said. And sometimes you’d like to savor the moment and stop a bit to catch your breath.

Third quarter is sometimes the hardest part. Sometimes you’d like to stop after every chapter because it is so energy consuming, but you’d feel that you just can’t put down the book. The story is too good. And plus, you want to know the ending. When you’re feeling tired after a long hard day at work, sometimes you just want to give up and not read at all. But you know the minute you walk into your room, you will catch that book with the corner of your eye, sitting nicely on your bedside table, just waiting for you to spare a minute or two, a chapter or two to kill time, and eventually fall asleep.

A good book will increase its speed again in the 4th quarter. This is the defining moment. In this quarter, you’ll no longer feel that you HAVE to finish the book. You simply seek out the explanation, simply feel the need do to know where this is going to end. Will it give a good solution? Or will you meet tragic end? Will you not like what you find at the last page. That’s why, sometimes you will have to stop a while before it reaches the last page.

And somehow, even though you cheated yourself by peeking at the last page even when you’re still struggling in the third quarter, you will find a whole different answers when you actually experience it step by step, page by page.

Now, which quarter do you like the best?

Da Vinci Code is no longer a French Course. No longer a small reminder of that pile of French books laying untouched. But it also reminds me that every relationships, like every good book, will slow down and peak up again. It reminds me to be patient if I really want to know the end.

Félicitations Dan Brown. Vous avez fait grand !

The Awakening

2004-10-05T01:17:00.000+07:00

Sejuknya hembus angin tlah redakan
Sgala amarah dalam hatimu
Terkadang kau sendiri tak mengerti
Begitu mudah engkau kecewa
Dan ini sering kali terjadi
Setiap harapanmu tak terpenuhi

Kau coba menyendiri dan membisu
‘Tuk memahami isi jiwamu
Lalu tercipta sebuah lagu merdu
Tempat curahan sgala resah
Dan kau ceritakan pada dunia
Tentang harapan dan angan2mu

Aku ingin dapat bebas lepas
Aku ingin senantiasa merasa bahagia
Aku ingin dapat terbang jauh
Bila tiada yang perduli

Aku ingin dapat mengungkapkan
Segala yang kurasakan dalam hati ini
Aku ingin terbang jauh
Bila tiada yang mengerti

(“Aku Ingin” by Indra Lesmana – sung by Delon Indonesian Idol)

Indonesian Idol. I never thought that show will affect me long after the Grand Final.
I finally could understand what the song was trying to tell me.
I finally realized how I must have hurt someone I once held most dearly so bad, only to know I could not get what I wanted.

A, you can fly freely now, I’m sorry for being a complete idiot.

Happiness Knows No Misery

2004-10-02T13:00:00.000+07:00

When you’re feeling low, no one will take a second glance, slow down, and sulk with you. And likewise, when you’re feeling ecstatic, the world does not stop to cheer for you.

Why does the world seem to shrink every time you’re reeling with happiness? And why does it seem too vast and huge that you feel empty and lost when you’re feeling down?

The world works in a mysterious way. Just when you think you can never be happy again, something suddenly brightens up your day. And just when you’re feeling like you’re on top of the world, somehow you will be plunged deep under in an instant.

Is that how it’s supposed to happen?

Sesame

2004-10-01T00:35:00.000+07:00

Here I am sitting, in our office training room, fighting my drowsiness to death. The material delivered is very interesting, yet so complicated that no one in this room seems to be able to hold their eyes up for a minute.

The thing is called SESAME. Simple and Efficient Software for Analyzing Media Easily. It is Efficient alright. But it’s nowhere near Simple or Easy. We are supposed to master the software in 3 days time so that we can nail the presentations we will deliver sometime in the next two weeks. Roadshow it is. Ain’t no better way to describe it. This of course is a hasty and really important decision made due to the threatening competitor just around the corner. The issue is so vast that we are forced to provide the better than best service to our clients.

Well, I’d say it’s the curse or being the sole player in the industry. You can never be too careful because when the competitor comes, they will come with alliance and will push you to the brink of desperation.

Have we been too ignorant all these years? Or simply, have we been too complacent?

It got me thinking. Is the company just the same as human beings? When most of the time we don’t realize that there’s a threat, and sometimes we take things for granted? Is it not any better than common people who does not appreciate good companionship and only sulk when it’s gone? Or almost gone.

I learned it the hard way. Never underestimate the value of good friendship. I’ve lost mine more than I gained. I couldn’t turn back to where I was, or where we were, but there’s not a single moment when I don’t regret not being able to turn back the clock and not lose one of the most important people in my life simply by trying to please every one.

The plan today was to meet at Jamz, you know, just to be there for the sake of being a good friend. But no thanks to the brain draining training sessions, I couldn’t force myself to leave on time and meet as planned. My best friend was furious that I canceled at the last minute. But I was more furious with myself that I had let something less valuable get in the way.

But wait a minute. Sesame is not to blame. I am. I had let my ego be the cause of my best friend’s disappointment.

Ra, sorry for not being there for you when you really needed me. Sorry for taking our friendship for granted. Hope you’ll find a big enough space in there to forgive me.

WEB OF LOVE

2004-09-29T09:03:00.000+07:00

Listen to how a simple ball of yarn became a web of love for one classroom of high school students.
Their teacher seated the students in a circle on the carpeted floor. One member of the group was instructed to toss a ball of yarn to someone across the circle, holding tightly to one end. The recipient took hold of the string and listened as the one who tossed it shared something that she especially liked about him. Keeping hold of the string, he then tossed the ball across the circle to someone else and affirmed something positive about her. The ball of yarn was tossed across and around the circle until everyone had both heard and shared encouragement...and thus the yarn became a woven web of love and good feelings....
Before they went their separate ways, the teacher took scissors and snipped through the web. Each person took a piece of yarn away as a remembrance of the special words they heard. Surprisingly, many of them wore cherished pieces of yarn around their wrists for days and weeks afterward.
Every year now, students ask their teacher to end the term with the Web of Love. It has become an annual tradition in their high school! Which goes to show how much encouragement means to most people.
Why wait? We can find opportunities to affirm others throughout the day. Few people grow weary of hearing sincere appreciation and praise. And each time you give it you help to create an invisible web of love that can last a lifetime.

(Excerpted from Steve Goodier)

Why wait guys?
Your girl is out there.

Ruang 1

2004-09-25T23:38:00.000+07:00

Kita telah bertukar kunci dan sama-sama menghilangkannya.
Aku tersekap di kamarmu, kamu tersekap di kamarku.
Kapan ketemu?
Ir, kepadamu aku pernah bicara dan kepadaku kamu pernah berkata pula.
Kenapa kita baru saling dengar justru setelah masing-masing di luar pagar?
Akankah kita tetap berkeras hati cuma karena sebelumnya tak saling mengerti, atau mungkinkah berbincang lagi menepiskan keakuan menuruti gerak nurani, dengan mendeburkan penat gapura yang sesungguhnya tak pernah ada?

(Unknown Artist)

I found the poem, stashed in my pile of papers at home. I copied it from some love poems collection, a long time ago. It aches when I read it, over and over again, just minutes ago.

Why is love so difficult?

It hurts how you can fall in love with someone, so deeply, and not loved in return.
It hurts how you lost yourself to someone, the way you couldn’t possibly imagine, and never realized you have to bounce back, with pain, when things are not going the way you planned.
It hurts how you still shed tears every time you hear his name, or see his back once again, wishing you could hold him close and hope that everything stays the same.

But it even hurts more how you know nothing will bring things back.
Nothing.
Nothing nothing nothing.
Not even when you’ve fought yourself too hard, not even when you deny yourself some other love, not even when you’ve found someone who loves you a hundred times greater.

Am I just too filthy to deserve it?

The recent events went too far beyond my comprehension. If only I could turn back time now. I don’t know if I won’t lead the same mistake again. I don’t know if I won’t surrender to the same thing again. For it hurts to know all the consequences had I chose to live my life differently.

“It’s better to be loved than to love”
The common Javanese saying. I never believed I would ever get myself stuck in this situation. I thought my love was enough to conquer all. Maybe I was wrong.

I guess I just have to wipe my whiny tears and stand up, wake up and realize that I’m hurting far too many people by being myself.

I guess I have to ease my own pain…

Aku Ingin

2004-09-23T11:49:00.000+07:00

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
Seperti
Kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu kepada api
Yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
Seperti
Isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan kepada hujan
Yang menjadikannya tiada...

(Sapardi Djoko Damono)

I wish I’m granted this feeling.

Farewell…

2004-09-21T13:01:00.000+07:00

A dear friend of mine said “it’s scary how every single day the sun shines as usual, people do their routines, and traffic runs as usual, but in some part of the world, someone mourns…”
I thought to myself. Why doesn’t the world stop for them?

Inna lillahi wa inna illaihi roji’un…
Yesterday happened to be one of those days for her. K’s father passed away yesterday morning.
Bp. H. Nurdin Mashud died at the age of 54, leaving a wife and 4 daughters. No illness whatsoever, no premonition, just sudden fatal heart attack. May he rest in peace.
I guess God must have wanted to see him earlier that He summoned him so suddenly.

K said, she’s let him go, if that’s how God planned it. Only one regret lingered in her mind. That she didn’t tend to him the last minutes when he was healthy. I couldn’t hold my tears any longer, while I know I should be the one to offer her my shoulders, giving her comforting consolations. But why was I stiff as a board?

K, you’ve proved yourself to be a far better daughter any father could possibly ask for, and you exceed his expectations on yourself. There are no parents in this world who are not proud of their children. But I never saw any parents ever more so proud of their children the way your parents are. You’ve guided your sisters to their success; you’ve become more than just a big sister to them. This have made your father much more proud of you than his words could say.

As we convoyed to the cemetery, I couldn’t help but think. Who is this man? He’s no more than an ordinary man, but why does he have that huge impact on so many people? Cars were lining behind, all lighting their hazards.
The big house was packed with people coming and going, sending their deepest condolences. Bouquets were sent from so many people, to show that they cared. Neighbors united to organize a very efficient funeral team. Subordinates were weeping to the thoughts of losing a great leader (and perhaps someone who has been somewhat of a father to them). His children’s best friends cried to the thought of not hearing his jokes and his silliness.

Why? It suddenly occurred to me that he must have been a great person.

It makes me wonder.
Have I been a good person all this years? Have I lived my life to the fullest? Have I done enough? Given my share to the society? Have I treated people with respect? Loved the people who love me the most?
When I go, will people give me salutations the way all those people did to K’s father? Will I touch people’s lives?

Om Nurdin, if you ever got the chance to read this (if high above you have a high speed internet connection:p), your children love you and miss you very much. In fact, you’ve touched so many lives and you’re loved by more people than you know. And don’t worry, you WILL see your children do great things. They will look after their dearest mother (and your dear darling wife). K will make sure of that.

This drama has made me realize that we all should live our lives so that we won’t have any regrets.

Thanks Om. Farewell to you, and say hi to all the angels up there for me… :p

"The Difference Between Men and Women"

2004-09-18T23:56:00.000+07:00

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ......

''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.

''What?'' says Roger, startled.

''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)

''What?'' says Roger.

''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''

''There's no horse?'' says Roger.

''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.

''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

''Yes,'' he says. (Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) ''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.

'What way?'' says Roger.

"That way about time,'' says Elaine.

''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.

''Thank you,'' says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''

(excerpted from Dave Barry's)

Something I read recently from the net.
Hahaha, how true, isn’t it? Do guys really do that, by the way? Or is it just stereotyping?

If they do then it makes me wonder whether I always say the right words at the right time to avoid any miscommunication. Like heck, I never lie about anything. And basically I just say whatever pops up in my head. Helps to mitigate the horrible miscommunication fiasco.

Well guys, good luck finding out about girls, okay? And girls, don't put your hopes up too much unless you're a red hot Ferrari...

Calvin and Hobbes

2004-09-17T19:23:00.000+07:00

Space travel makes you realize just how small we really are.

When you see earth as a tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space,
you have to wonder about the mysteries of creation.

Surely we’re all part of some great design, no more or less important than anything else in the universe.
Surely everything fits together and has a purpose, a reason for being.

Doesn’t it make you wonder?

(Calvin to Hobbes on their journey to Mars in “Weirdos from Another Planet”)

Calvin and Hobbes, the first comic book that I read. Still read it from time to time.
It’s a great comic book that helped me grow up. No, it’s not one of those slapstick comics, and certainly not one of those impossible mutant heroes comics. It’s a real life boy, a typical lonely boy who strived growing up, and dreaded going to school.

The writer, Bill Watterson is plain genius. The character portrayed is simply marvelous, and of course, the conversations between Calvin and his imaginary friend, Hobbes (his stuffed tiger who comes alive in his sole presence), are just brilliant.

Here is Bill Watterson's introduction to his comic book characters:

Calvin.
Calvin is named for a sixteenth-century theologian who believed in predestination. Most people assume that Calvin is based on a son of mine, or based on detailed memories of my own childhood. In fact, I don't have children, and I was a fairly quiet, obedient kid -- almost Calvin's opposite. One of the reasons that Calvin's character is fun to write is that I often don't agree with him. . . . Many of Calvin's struggles are metaphors for my own. I suspect that most of us get old without growing up, and that inside every adult (sometimes not very far inside) is a bratty kid who wants everything his own way. I use Calvin as an outlet for my immaturity, as a way to keep myself curious about the natural world, as a way to ridicule my own obsessions, and as a way to comment on human nature. I wouldn't want Calvin in my house, but on paper, he helps me sort through my life and understand it.

Hobbes.
Named after a seventeenth-century philosopher with a dim view of human nature, Hobbes has the patient dignity and common sense of most animals I've met. Hobbes was very much inspired by one of our cats, a gray tabby named Sprite. Sprite not only provided the long body and facial characteristics for Hobbes, she also was the model for his personality. She was good-natured, intelligent, friendly, and enthusiastic in a sneaking-up-and-pouncing sort of way. Sprite suggested the idea of Hobbes greeting Calvin at the door in midair at high velocity. The so-called "gimmick" of my strip -- the two versions of Hobbes -- is sometimes misunderstood. I don't think of Hobbes as a doll that miraculously comes to life when Calvin's around. Neither do I think of Hobbes as the product of Calvin's imagination. . . . Calvin sees Hobbes one way, and everyone else sees Hobbes another way. I show two versions of reality, and each makes complete sense to the participant who sees it. I think that's how life works. None of us sees the world exactly the same way, and I just draw that literally in the strip.

Calvin's Parents.
I've never given Calvin's parents names, because as far as the strip is concerned, they are important only as Calvin's mom and dad. Calvin's dad has been rumored to be a self-portrait. All my characters are half me, so it's true in some ways, but Calvin's dad is also partly a satire of my own father. Any strip about how suffering "builds character" is usually a verbatim transcript of my dad's explanations for why we were all freezing, exhausted, hungry and lost on camping trips. These things are a lot funnier after 25 years have passed. Calvin's mom is the daily disciplinarian, a job that taxes her sanity, so I don't think we get to see her at her best. I regret that the strip mostly shows her impatient side, but I try to hint at other aspects of her personality and her interests by what she's doing when Calvin barges in. . . . . . . As secondary characters, I've tried to keep Calvin's parents realistic, with a reasonable sense of humor about having a kid like Calvin. I think they do a better job than I would.

Susie Derkins.
Susie is earnest, serious and smart. . . . I suspect that Calvin has a mild crush on her that he expresses by trying to annoy her, but Susie is a bit unnerved and put off by Calvin's weirdness. This encourages Calvin to be even weirder, so it's a good dynamic. Neither of them quite understands what's going on, which is probably true of most relationships.

Miss Wormwood.
As a few readers guessed, Miss Wormwood is named after the apprentice devil in C.S. Lewis' "The Screwtape Letters." I have a lot of sympathy for Miss Wormwood. We see hints that she's waiting to retire, that she smokes too much, and that she takes a lot of medication. I think she seriously believes in the value of education, so needless to say, she's an unhappy person.

Rosalyn.
Probably the only person Calvin fears is his baby-sitter. I put her in a Sunday strip early on, never thinking of her as a regular character, but her intimidation of Calvin surprised me, so she's made a few appearances since. Rosalyn even seems to daunt Calvin's parents, using their desperation to get out of the house to demand advances and raises. Rosalyn's relationship with Calvin is pretty one-dimensional, so baby-sitter stories get harder and harder to write, but for a later addition to the strip, she's worked pretty well.

Moe.
Moe is every jerk I've ever known. He's big, dumb, ugly and cruel. I remember school being full of idiots like Moe. I think they spawn on damp locker room floors.

So, which one of them represents yourself?

Wish I could live as one comic character, and then when I have problems, I can just ask someone to flip the pages, and find a page more to my liking. But life ain't comic books. We don't have Bill to draw our faces or write how our lives should turn out. Instead, we write our own life stories. We're our own authors.

And in spite of everything we do, in the end we're just the tiny blue speck in the infinite reaches of space. Not much to be proud about, let alone brag.

We're just a creation of the greatest designer...

Don’t Give Up

2004-09-16T18:09:00.000+07:00

When things go wrong
As they sometimes will
When the
road you’re trudging seems all uphill
When funds are low
And debts are
high

And you want to smile
But you have to sigh
When care is
pressing you down a bit

Rest if you must
But don’t you
quit.

I put up this poem on my cubicle, hoping it would help me rid all my troubles away.
But it seems every step of the way it just keeps on getting harder.

This morning I went to AA Gym’s Learning Forum, and the way he talked just makes me realize that the world is not at all that cruel.
There’s always something to be grateful for. And we must. Otherwise, everything we strive for will just come off badly, and we end up disappointing ourselves.

I know the road we lead now is far from a picnic. It’s hell. But we’ll make it. Somehow I have to force myself to believe that we CAN make it.
And best hope that we WILL.

My Cubicle

2004-09-14T19:29:00.000+07:00

1 PC, 1 monitor, 1 keyboard, 1 telephone set, 1 file tray, 1 desk organizer, 1 calendar, 1 business card holder, 3 drawers, 1 water jug and 1 giant mug, scribble on note pads, and lots of other small objects (and cluttered books, papers, and pencils)…

The same desk I’ve been sitting on for the past 1 yr and 9 months is now suffocating me.
Everything now seem to close up my space and leaves me all clogged up.

Here I am, writing my blog, hoping it would change anything for the better, but well, hopes (though not wishful thinking, as are dreams) are not reality. And not so much of an optimistic person, I tend to think that I may not be the luckiest person in the whole world.

Fought too hard for my own good, but sometimes think of quitting (a lot) and have to wake up in the real world where quitting sucks, no matter how relieving it may feel at first.

Choices I made so many and none of them are constellation of my most sober thoughts. I may have rushed into too many things, and regrets will not bring me into a higher level of self. But why does it itch?

Kept on trying to convince myself that more choices are out there, laying strewn every where, just waiting for someone to pick it up and take credit for themselves. It’s not me. It never was. Always have ended up finding myself in one of the darkest corner of world, trying to figure out what the hell am I doing in here.

Been denying myself that I don’t need all the comfort and luxury that most people crave for. Been telling myself awful lot of lies that I only need one or two very important things in my life. Yes, and they are somehow a huge part of the big scheme that just keeps on robbing my self pride, leaving me indignant and hurt.

This cubicle, mainly represents my mental prison, no longer fulfills what I really need. I need self actualization (and they say it’s the highest level of need of man). I need to know when I can see my work being enjoyed. I need to raise the bars, and knowing I can just jump over it.

This cubicle also has made me realize that there are so many things out there, no matter how small it is, that cries for our attention. Waiting and whining will not make anyone any better. We’ve got to take a huge leap and shout to the world “I can take on anything!”

Career and love life, some say they will not go hand in hand. Even I believed that. I once asked my best friend K, “If you could choose, what would you choose to have; a killer job everyone would envy and be successful at it, or a sweet and great husband?” Always thought they will not complement each other. K said, whatever HE gives to her now, she will take full responsibility and she will be grateful for it. Hmm, that’s nice. How about me? Still don’t know. Somehow I hope that those two go together.

This cubicle makes me realize that life is full of choices. For the time being, I chose to sit in and enjoy the glare from my computer, hoping every single minute I spend here will gain me more experience, while crossing my fingers that someday soon, one of those people would call me up, and beg me to work for them.

And when that doesn’t happen soon, well, a very wise person said this to me “Make your own path, lead your own way.” It means, be whatever you want to be. Carve the stone. And he’s right. I will.
And then perhaps, I won't mind sitting in my cubicle so much.

Thanks for the words, R…

The Ceremony

2004-09-13T11:39:00.000+07:00

Went to Bogor yesterday. Another friend got married. Congratulations Nunit and Odek (Sunday 12th September 2004 – Ciomas, Bogor).

Hmm, is it a sign that I too, have to settle down?
As hard as it is for me to realize, I think the unsettling feelings I have these past few days, well, I think some part of it (if not large) is contributed by this wandering thoughts.

Mom got married a bit late. She was 29, and Dad was 30. Financial issues. Had to finance their younger siblings before they can step on the threshold and vow their lives for each other. Can’t blame them, if anything, I’m proud of them, they managed to pay for their own lives (and their siblings) with no help from their parents (Mom’s already passed away and Dad only got his mother left).

My sister had a serious relationship for 4 years before she finally decided they weren’t going in the same direction. Dad kept on consoling her that her mother too, got married in her late 20’s. Not helping though. Despite her stacks of to do list every weekend (she never stayed put and chose to hang out with her girlfriends most of the time), there’s always a hint of longing for a relationship, something that will lead her to marriage. Well, what girl wouldn’t want to get married, huh?

Good thing she was always optimistic, and cheerful, and stayed positive. She found her now husband, long after he had been trying to get her, for quite some time (7 years IS a long time, huh?), and decided to accept his hands in marriage after only 5 months. She’s now happily married, for 2 years. Still struggling to have children, but hey, give it time, and I will have my own tiny little nephews and nieces (amiinn…).

I wonder. Why do people have to get married soon? Almost half of my friends got married in their prime time. 21 years old mostly. Now, every once in a while I see the mailing list and pray that no more wedding invitations should pop up, but wish away, mate, coz it’s happening.
Kept thinking if that’s the trend these days, or do people merely want to start early, so when they retire, they will have fully mature children? Or do they simply want to celebrate their love by stepping into a more solid institution called marriage?

Me? Personally, I cannot wait to get married. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with the man I truly love, hoping that nothing bad should come our way, that we both could raise a family and grow old together (you know, just like one of those High Calcium Milk commercials).
But is it solely enough reason to board that ship? Really?

Money is always a pickle. And most people take the high road and use this excuse when they feel they’re not ready to get married. Money IS a huge issue. But is it big enough to stumble upon? Every time I ask myself this question, I can only answer it with a shrug.

The wedding ceremony I went to yesterday; Nunit seemed happy. Odek, likewise (of course he did). But so much as I envy those happy couple, I will safely say that I won’t go that road yet, at least not in the near future (sigh of relieve…). I guess my energy just flushed down the drain to think about it now.

Relationships are too much to fuss about, now. Maybe given time, I will start thinking about it again, and this time, hope that it WILL be my one and only ceremony.

Bomb at Australian Embassy – 9 September 2004

2004-09-09T13:35:00.000+07:00

A bomb exploded just in front of Australian Embassy, today at 10.30. The resonance wave was massive that we felt it like a big thunder hit our office in Sudirman area, just next to World Trade Centre.

The explosion just rendered me some contemplation.

What has become of this poor country of us?

Why are we always the target of our own people? Haven’t we suffered enough? “All is fair in love and war”, so they said. But if it involves mass casualties, is it still fair? Is it still tolerable? Wouldn’t you agree that it’s just plain massacre? Or do we have to just hand our lives on silver platter to those heartless terrorists? Is it even our fault that we were born in this blood-thirst country?

Whatever happens to Indonesia, country full of hospitable people, honest and friendly, country so filled with moralities and norms? A beautiful, calm, and peace loving country? Or does it only happen in the brochures?

Whoever sets off the bomb, and whoever was behind it (coz the person setting it off is probably just another pawn in this big political scheme) definitely deserves death sentence. Not only did they not get what they want, they also have killed hundreds and thousands of innocent people.

Didn’t our first president and the people before us fight hard enough? And this is how they repay them? By spilling yet another innocent blood, to achieve whatever greed may overtake them?

Why us?

God, please have mercy on your people…

Chance and Persistence

2004-09-04T07:18:00.000+07:00

Two eagles flew low just up over the deep blue ocean. One of them slowed down, and glanced deep into the water. It was the smaller one. Whatever it was seeing (or thinking) no one can possibly tell. The other one however, did not stop even to wait for it. It seemed to fly even faster, leaving the smaller one behind. Refused to mimic the smaller bird, the bigger one, with more whites on it, decided to ascend, farther and farther away.

Two sunsets and two sunrises have they flown together, not even once they stayed side by side, as if they were not in the same group. In fact, it appeared that they were competing with each other. At least that’s what people would think when them. The history they put behind was perhaps far too tragic if not horrendous to discuss by common people that they decide there’s no way people are ever going to understand. “So let’s just fly as strangers”, that’s what they decided.

The first bird, the smaller one, was a lab rat. One of those birds that the Discovery Channel people would show on one of their programs. One of those who was bred in captivity to serve its purpose: becoming human’s research object. The bigger one was the wild one. Born in nature after long days hatched by its mother and freed itself soon after. One that taught itself how to hunt and to prey, all by mere observation.

These two eagles met by a coincidence. The big eagle (let’s refer to it by “Chance” from now on), flew near the lab site on its hunting spree when it saw the smaller one (called Persistence) on one of its test sessions. Chance saw Persistence and fell in love with it instantly. Chance has always grown wild and this time it saw Persistence, something so delicate and pure and it just wished they had grown up together. On another instance, Chance decided to descend its flight and make for Persistence. The smaller bird, just like the bigger one, fell in love instantly. Being raised in a cage all its life, it wanted to break free and taste the wild nature.

Chance came to Persistence on another instance and two before the smaller one finally decided to tag along with the bigger bird on its quest. It will be a great journey, so the bigger one said. Yes, it will - the smaller one replied, we will be a perfectly strong couple and nothing will come our way, we will get whatever we want.

The first week of their trip went smooth. The different nature they both had complemented them. Chance would hunt their prey, while Persistence would skin them. Chance, always on the brighter side would stark up new routes to take, new ventures to go through, while Persistence would calculate the risks in going forth with them. However minuscule the risks are, they’re still risks and will only open for possibility of danger. With this in mind, they both decided to fly with ease, and nothing important really came their way.

Four weeks passed in their journey, not once did they not have a disagreement. Persistence, being the lab rat always wanted to slow down and smell the air along their way, while Chance, always growing up in the wild never ceased to increase its speed for if it didn’t, it would be left behind from food, it said.
Chance would blame Persistence for its slow speed, and Persistence would defend itself with being careful. They’d stop arguing when it was time for their meal. This, they shared their common interest. The long and seemingly mundane disagreement they had did not cease but only strengthen their cooperation. Chance got to know Persistence’s rhythm, and the smaller bird knows what the bigger one really wants. Somehow, along their journey, they have stopped talking and communicating with the heart instead. What more do they need now that they’ve become one dynamic duo.

Shortly they arrived at the ocean. A whole new challenge. Chance wanted to just fly ahead and enjoy the adventure, whatever it may come. But Persistence told it to stop awhile. The ocean was far too great and risky for them to go on unprepared. It said, it would cook up the calculations first to decide the best time to go on. This, however, was never realized. Persistence seemed to have hold off its plan to do the seizing, and Chance began to lose its patience.
“If we don’t cross the ocean now, we might never cross it, because it would be more and more challenging by the day, and we will become weaker and weaker that we probably couldn’t make it”, Chance said. But Persistence seemed to have prepared a defending case against Chance. And it seemed that its years in the laboratory finally paid off. Both Persistence and Chance finally decided they would circle the ocean and not go through with whatever may come had they flown straight across it.

Chance was relieved. But somewhere deep down inside it felt this urge to storm the ocean, to prove that it is indeed one strong bird. However, the smaller bird persisted on taking a detour, and wait awhile until the weather cooled off to let them through. That never happened though.
The last week of their trip together was spent in silence. Silence and disagreeing sighs.

They both flew back to the shore, and started to make for the calmer sea on the other side. Persistence tried to convince Chance that they go back to the land and count the risk once more to cross the harsh ocean. But this time, Chance had something else in mind. Chance decided to go on its quest alone, fly over the ocean with nothing at stake and see if it could somehow meet other eagles or seagulls to go on its journey together. Persistence was devastated to know Chance had decided to go on the trip alone, but still too shy or too afraid to break its own argument.

Persistence didn’t go back to its lab. But it flew behind Chance slowly, trying to make sure it didn’t hit a tornado along its way, while still keeping its distance. Persistence flew low and easy, glancing down most of the time, and only look up to see where Chance is going. Chance, on the other hand, only increased its speed, and soared even higher, as if trying to catch as much air as it possibly can. There’s no way these two birds are ever going to fly through the ocean together.

Chance and Persistence decided to fly as strangers.

Sigh…

2004-09-01T23:51:00.000+07:00

Out of nowhere, feeling of complete and utter desperation enveloped me. Why?
I feel like a bitch.

Here I am, sitting on my comfy chair, facing my perfectly good working computer, browsing the internet for a completely non job related thing, and still thinking when I’m ever gonna flee out this hell hole. I want better!

I’ve been thinking, I don’t think I deserve complaining about the nicks I have. Most people are lucky enough to hold an employment contract, however degrading that job is, for the sake of our monthly paycheck - what with all the bills we need to pay. Phone bills, credit card bills, water & electricity bills, housing bills, the more we think about it, the more stressful they become. Not to mention in this case, family pressure (no matter how small, it’s a pressure).

But job is not merely about making a living (or maintaining it). It should serve its purpose, to gain you career. And I’m quite certain that another minute I spend here will not grant me mine. And that is why I keep on rambling on and on about my dissatisfaction in this place. Not only did I not get what I want, I didn’t get what I need. I want skyscraper high salary (yeah, you wish…), I need challenge.

Not challenge on how to handle clients complaints or tend to their requests, but real challenge, on how to bring the company into a better position, with my brightest ideas I help compose a foolproof strategy to drive it to a far more profitable (and liquid) one. I want the salary that can keep me save for at least some time when I decide I want to take a short break and just focus on my personal stuff. Not something that will only lead me into another rat race, something that will only keep me going for the rest of the month and leave me pondering “where have all my money gone?”

I guess these two criteria are just out of the question.

Lately I have finally gave in. I guess I needed a break, a break from getting tired of my job all the time, a break from discontent feeling. A break from my never-ending job search. A break from trying to convince myself that there are other companies in this world that would want to hire me as their loyal and devoted employee. A break from trying to figure out what’s happening to this cruel world.

Come to think of it, no. I’m not a bitch (that’s what I keep telling myself). I’m just another ordinary person who is so fed up with her demeaning job. I am worthy of anything. Am I?

I wonder. Is there anyone out there who is content with what they do? Sigh…

Jealousy

2004-08-30T14:35:00.000+07:00

Oh how wrong can you be?
Oh to fall in love was my very first mistakeH
ow was I to know I was far too much in love to see?
Oh jealousy look at me now
Jealousy you got me somehow
You gave me no warning
Took me by surprise
Jealousy you led me on
You couldn’t lose you couldn’t fail
You had suspicion on my trail

How how how all my jealousy
I wasn’t man enough to let you hurt my pride
Now I’m only left with my own jealousy

Oh how strong can you be
With matters of the heart?
Life is much too short
To while away with tears
If only you could see just what you do to me
Oh jealousy you tripped me up
Jealousy you brought me down
You bring me sorrow you cause me painJealousy when will you let go?
Gotta hold of my possessive mind
Turned me into a jealous kind

How how how all my jealousy
I wasn’t man enough to let you hurt my pride
Now I’m only left with my own jealousy
But now it matters not if I should live or die’
cause I’m only left with my own jealousy

(Jealousy – Queen 1978)

Jealousy, a nature of all human beings. Perfectly understandable in acceptable portions. But why is it when it comes to relationships, you just forget your quota and started to freak out at one single tiny thing that turns out to be a pickle in your way.
Trust is the key to a long lasting relationships. But how can you expect people to trust you when you don’t trust them first? It’s a two way street, isn’t it?

So… What now?

Going back home...

2004-08-29T14:03:00.000+07:00

Okay… Singapore is famous for its Lion statue and of course, its huge malls. Bottom line, it’s heaven for the shoppaholics. This morning we (finally…) got around to walk end to end the Orchard road. Good thing we didn’t do it any sooner, or else, I will probably have to max out my credit card limit (something I don’t wanna do…) on the souvenirs. K and I, being shoppaholics ourselves, were tempted to try every single malls there is, but we had to restrain ourselves from the luxury, since we only had very little time, and money (again with the money issue). However, we did get to visit some of the biggest malls there is in Orchard.

Takashimaya - Ngee Ann City Mall. Much like Plaza Senayan of Jakarta, the branded items on sale, and still we frowned to see the price tags.
Lucky Mall. The low end mall where your money actually CAN buy something. So this is where we decide to spend some money on the souvenirs.
Centerpoint. Finally, we wrapped up at Robinson. More stuff to buy and means more luggage to carry, sigh…

1pm.
K performed her outstanding skills in packing. We only had less than 30mins to pack and check out. The plane leaves at 5pm but we want to check in early (and perhaps shop some more – again???).

Finally, It's 3.03pm, (still) Singapore time. Am standing at the free internet hub at Changi airport, waiting for the boarding call. Trying to savor the last moments we have in Singapore, "the city". Taking as many mental pictures as possible, so that I can store it up in my memory.

K and I had fun or what... Yep. Weekend in Singapore? Well, I say, weekend getaway never felt better...

See you again!!!

Singapore and Its Attraction

2004-08-28T23:20:00.000+07:00

Got up early. It’s still dark, but the watch says 7.30am. Back home, I would just grab my pillow and turn back in, and probably steal another extra 15minutes of sleep. But that’s not the case today. With those sore legs and aching feet from last night’s marathon, we forced ourselves to climb out of bed and hit the shower. Went down for breakfast (big one) and 1 hour later we were off for the day.

10am (+/-).
Singapore Philatelic Museum. This is one of the sites on our list. There were so many things we discovered about stamps that were never attractive to us before. Well, turned out, philately IS a serious hobby. We even met a group from Jakarta who went all the way to Singapore to attend Stamps Exhibition in Suntec City Mall, later tonight. As for us, well, that’s not why we came though. Just thought to visit some of the interesting museums we never go to back home.

11am (+/-).
Asian Civilization Museum. Being an Asian, this is one of the sites we wanted to go to. And in fact, there were so many interesting things we found out there. Did you know that Singaporean people are mostly Peranakan (the term for cross Chinese – Malay)? Well, in fact, they are. Something that still lingers in my mind, with just S$3 admission fee, they sure manage to have a well maintained museum.

12am (+/-).
Singapore Art Museum. Not too far from Asian Civilization Museum. But since we made a pact to go on foot, everything seemed a bit far. Thank goodness for the clean air. Once we arrived in the museum, art enveloped us almost immediately. They put up mostly paintings. And they had around 10 galleries, all about paintings, sculpture, and 3 dimension computer graphics.
I cannot paint. I cannot even draw a full circle without any tools. I don’t understand paintings. But I truly felt the greatness of these artists’ work. Mr. Wu Tsai Yen did finger paintings and they’re bloody beautiful. Tan Swie Han, another artist, also held an exhibition called “Embracing Infinity”.
“A book of fiction may be translated into a theater performance, a song sung into a sculpture and calligraphy work done with every stroke as a dance step” (From musical recording-performed by Kee Chee Koon on the Ding Xiang Zither).

1pm (+/-).
Next stop, Chimes. An old covenant turned into restaurants and bars, located just near the City Hall. The ceiling of the cathedral is very beautiful. Too bad it was closed for public, otherwise, perhaps we would have spent like rolls of films there. Anyway, not so long after, we were back to the hotel for a shower (we were drenched in sweat from all the walking). Man, I love ‘em MRT things, they just make your life a lot easier…

3pm (+/-).
Chinatown. From the very first day we got here, I’ve been whining to K that we go to here (me and my Chinese obsession…). So, time came for me to visit a true Chinatown.

Chinese Heritage Center. Never in my life had I imagined living in a house with 7 other families, and just in the next room, I find brothel house (or room to be exact). But that’s what happened in the early days when Chinatown was first built. In a 3 level house you could find 8 families, 1 tailor workshop, a brothel house, 1 TV room, 1 restaurant and a market, 1 bookstore, etc.
Tears almost trickled down had I not held them up. Walking out of the house I suddenly felt so lucky to be born in this age where I don’t have to share my room with 3 other families.

5.30pm (+/-).
Another trip through City Link Mall and rest our feet at Starbucks in Raffles City. The coffee is just about the same with any other Starbucks all around the world. But somehow, I felt that this time Iced Cappuccino tastes different. But then again, perhaps it’s just the atmosphere.

The night is still young. Especially since this is Saturday night. But this time, we call it a day. And we got back to the hotel a while later. It hurts when your soul still cries for more but your feet screams for you to stop.

Anyway, today has been great (and tiring). And we still have tomorrow to do our shopping…

Arrival...

2004-08-27T11:50:00.000+07:00

So it's 12.50 Singapore time. Just landed safely half hour ago.

Took the MRT from Changi station, good God, this place sure is neat. We departed at Somerset station and walked to our hotel (Grand Central), on Orchard Road. Trying to check in but since the late check out is around 2pm, the housekeeping people is still fixing up the room, from whatever was left behind by the previous hotel occupant. Okay, the plan today is to accompany K for her interview. Wish I could get myself one of those overseas job interviews. Good luck, K, hope you get the job… (so that your dear friends can come and visit free of fiscal, hehehe… Naah, if it weren't for her, I probably wouldn't have the chance to visit here).

3pm (+/-).
The job interview was in Prince Edward Road. It’s supposed to be one of those Media clusters. Place is not too far from Tanjong Pagar station, so not long after the interview was finished, we took another MRT train. Hmm, beginning to get the hang of it. Had to adjust since it’s a lot different from our Jabotabek trains)…

5pm-8pm (+/-).
Went back to the hotel and get all set with our gear. It looks like a tough day ahead of us.
First stop: Fountain of Wealth. The famous fountain is said to be the biggest fountain in the biggest mall in South East Asia. So we checked it out. And I’m glad that we did. It was huge, and very beautiful, even in the daylight. I can only imagine when it gets dark, and all the spotlights are beamed towards the falling water, and to top it all, it sings.
Second: City Link Mall. Started out as an underpass but it seemed to have undergone some magic touches that it’s turned into a big mall. Flag shops everywhere. And when your feet hurts, you can rest a while in one of their coffee shops. Hmm… But that’s not why we’re here for.
Third: Famous for its close resemblance to “durian” fruit although initially built to imitate 2 microphones. Situated just at the Singapore river, theatre on the bay. It opens up overlooking the great Lion statue.
Fourth: River Boat Cruise. I imagined Jakarta’s Kalijodo was like this once, in it’s old days. Here you can rent a boat for only S$12 and have 30 minutes cruise in the river. We were ecstatic. We strolled under the bridges (I forgot the names), and see just how old some of the buildings were, especially The Fullerton House. It was built more than a century ago, and yet it emanates a very strong and distinct power about it. The lights were angled in such a way that it accentuates every single details the architect meant to show off.
Singapore river. It’s almost weird how the surrounding buildings are mostly Banks or Offices and yet, at night (especially weekends) the place is just packed with snuggling couples, and suddenly it just feels so romantic.
Fifth: Back to Esplanade with a slight detour to Merlion Park. People were dancing to the fast beat under the moonlight. K and I both have 2 left feet, so we decided it was no time for us to embarrass ourselves in a foreign country. Aww, such a shame we didn’t take any dance lessons any sooner, or we would be dancing with the rest of everyone there.

8.30pm (+/-).
Tired from all the walking and laughing (hysterically), we decided to return to home base to soak our feet and strategize for Saturday’s plan. It was around 11pm when we finally turned in. Although we were still in Jakarta time (10pm), we decided that we were dead tired. Damn, couldn’t feel our legs…

Immigration @^^#&(!**^&@&!!!

2004-08-25T19:08:00.000+07:00

Those thieving and scheming bastards and bitches!
That’s what I shouted to myself when I met up with those people at Immigration Office.

Damn the system sucks. Never hated bureaucracy so much before.
I know right from the start that those Immigration people will cause too much trouble. And trying my best to anticipate this, I asked someone from my friend’s office to take care of my passport for me. Yep, it’s like one of those things that you wish you could just blink and have it laid safely on your desk. But I guess there’s no magic about it.

And guess what. The what-seemed-like-a-perfect-plan just fell apart completely. Somehow the person just called me up in the middle of a very hectic day (by my standard) and told me that I had to contact the immigration person myself, “Something seems to be wrong”. Turned out, those scheming people tried to take advantage of the fact that I once lost my passport, and they tried to milk out my last dime. S**t!!! I didn’t even go anywhere abroad in the past 7 years, why make such a big deal out of this, right?

The immigration officer told me to pay this ridiculous amount of money, which he said was gonna be split 6 wise to shut everyone up but I know from the heart that he’s just going to fatten himself up, well, good luck there, mate! Hope you suffer with the money you took from me. What’s worse about this is that he dragged his wife along with him. Yes, they’re both scheming people together! Imagine just what kind of babies would come out of her…

Guess what he said when I told him I didn’t have the money he asked me? “Astaghfirullah aladziim... You must think that I’m making things up and that this money I want for myself, don’t you?” (You damn right I do, mister – wish I could yell at him). After long bargaining (my Tanah Abang and Pasar Senin days finally paid off) with him, he agreed to arrange everything with half price (but that’s on top of what I gave him in the first place, you know, for just submitting all my papers…), and you know what?? Now that he agreed I paid with half the price he wanted from me, he started throwing papers at me, pointing fingers, and raised his voice with my presence. Dear Lord… what has become of this greedy country?

Anyways, things are just "perfect", especially since I still had to have my picture taken (passport photos are never complimenting…), my finger prints, and lots more of horrible waiting arounds…
Darn it. And to know that that immigration officer just shut me out and sent me to come back again for passport instead of having me wait there… That’s just great!

2 thumbs up for Indonesian Immigration Officers for making people’s lives so darn difficult.

Technology at its best

2004-08-16T16:56:00.000+07:00

What is it about Technology? All my life, I’ve always been a laggard. I got my first cellphone long after everyone else did. VCD Players, and now DVD Players, they’re familiar in each and everyone else’s households but mine, at least not until later (way later…).

Can you blame me for cursing the “seemingly” comfortable life I lead now?

Personally, I prefer to live in the Dark Age, where people don’t know any Cellular Phones, let alone compare between GSM and CDMA. It makes my life easier (in a way). For one, I could just play innocent for arriving home late without one single word, just tell my parents “Whoops, sorry Mom, Dad, no Public Phone available”, and hope I can get off the hook. But the fact that I DO have a cellphone (working one that is), makes my life so difficult. Now I’m addicted to making phone calls, send sms back and forth for some meaningless conversations – all to my own initiatives (I might as well call them and get it over with), taking lousy resolution pictures from my camera phone and blame the person I took pictures of, saying they’re just too ugly to be in my camera phone (hahaha…), lie to my parents every time I go home late, saying that I had put my cellphone on silent mode or that I rejected their phone calls because I’m still stuck in traffic light. And second, in the end, I curse myself for overusing my cellphone and having to pay that horrendous phone bills.

More, I loved my life before Credit Card came along. Sure, no one made me apply in the first place. It was my stupid inner self, saying that I NEED Credit Card, which in the end I proved was wrong. Before the Age of Visa, I managed fine. But now, everything seems a lot easier to BUY and a lot more difficult to PAY. Yes, those conniving little Credit Card salesmen would just lurk around you, waiting for you to take out your own plastic money, and start offering heaven to you. “Umm, Miss, our Credit Card offers lower interest, balance transfer, reward points, welcoming gifts, executive lounge, free annual fee, blah blah blah” And suddenly you’re just bending forward, starting to sign your application, and hope with God’s mercy, you won’t be using them at all (hah, like that’s ever going to happen)…

What with the Internet? I’m addicted to browsing them in broad daylight now. The first thing I do when I got to my office desk is turn on my computer, and voila, the web works at its most amazing speed to feed me information at my fingertips. Little do I realize that the more I browse, the less I have time for myself to contemplate on what I want to do with the rest of my day (hahaha, I never do…).

My life was a lot easier before all these technology came along. I was doing great not knowing anything in other parts of the world (that I can find out in an instant from the web), I could save up my money and buy the things that I really really need, (and not just because I was out with friends and try to look macho and pay for their dinner bills), and I most of all, I can enjoy my quiet time without cellphone ring disrupting me (especially when it’s after office hours and the number appeared on your cell is your client’s number).

But the fact that Technology dawns to our life with this rapid rate is inevitable. All you can do is give in. And perhaps be wiser enough not to let it consume you too much…

Easy for me to say, I just decided to surrender to the magic of Technology (that only makes your life easier by taking so much from you…)

Damnit!!!

Madiun...

2004-08-10T10:46:00.000+07:00

Madiun, where you can find the best Pecel all over Indonesia. A small city in East Jakarta that I never thought I’d ever go to. But thanks to my dear college friend, Pipit, who got married and celebrated her wedding in the city, I finally got around to visit. By the way, CONGRATULATIONS PIPIT AND RAHMAD!!!

I left from Gambir station on Friday at 18.00 and arrived at 05.00 on Saturday morning. Not much to do to kill time once I got there, especially when you can go just about anywhere in flat 15minutes (that's how long it takes to circle the whole city).
Saturday morning was Siraman. This is a very traditional Javanese wedding, mind you. So the ceremony is quite complicated. Pipit was drenched down. No less than 7 elderly relatives were honored to shower her with Air Kembang, this they say, to cleanse her inner self so she would be ready for her marriage life. I never thought I’d enjoy Javanese weddings ceremony before, but this one was very interesting. Siraman ended about time for lunch. And after helping myself for some delicious meal they have prepared for their guests, I took off.

After circling the city looking for souvenirs (what else but the famous Sambel Pecel, Brem Madiun, Madumongso, and Nting-Nting kacang), I ended up riding that poor becak with a big box full of souvenirs (still doubted myself how I’m going to take everything home, all by myself).

Saturday night was Akad Nikah or most people there call it Ijab Kabul. Pipit said her vows, and Rahmad said his, all witnesses confirmed before Penghulu, and they were legally married. The ceremony was over within 1 hour. And left me (again), wondering, how can I spend the rest of this yet still lovely evening? And sadly, I chose to go back to the hotel…

Sunday morning was yet another interesting ceremony. Temu Manten was the one ceremony in which the Bride was displayed in the “Pelaminan” while waiting for her Groom who was about to enter. As both people walk towards each other, they would have to throw this banana leaf knot to each other. They said this symbolizes who liked whom first, or perhaps, who would be dominant in the marriage. Whatever, it was a crowd! Two well-dressed people throwing things at each other, and afterwards walk side-by-side to welcome their guests. Wow…
Temu Manten also finished around noon. But this time, I was determined not to go back to the hotel but I went with some friends I met there. We had a huge lunch in Magetan. That’s only like 30 minutes from the heart of Madiun. Not much to see, but the food was great there.

1 hour before the reception, we went back to I’s place (that’s Pipit’s high school friend who also works in Jakarta now), Rp drove us all. The Reception was held at Graha Bhakti Praja, the biggest and most famous Hall in Madiun. Once we enter the room, it felt like the whole Madiun people were there. It was so crowded, and I suddenly felt so out of place. What’s a person like me doing here, all by myself. I couldn’t wait to go back home. But Rp said it would only take 5minutes from the Hall to the train station, I better wait there.

Anyway...
22.00 Sunday night. It’s finally time for me to go back home. Jakarta, here I come!!!

What can I say about Madiun? The fact that it made me miss the fast paced and crowded Jakarta? Or that I spent the whole weekend there (almost) all by myself (no thanks to a certain person who cancelled 3 hours before the departure…)?
Or is it the fact that it made me realize just how good I felt riding Becak and felt the hard wind blowing my un-made hair? Or simply that I enjoyed the serene city, and that I enjoyed the wedding ceremony so much, that I want to shout to that dear friend “Hey, Kn, you missed A LOT!”

Jakarta...
I would never trade living in this high crime rate city nor would I trade having to storm the traffic for like 1.5 hours (max) before I get to work, nope, not for that too tranquil town.
But, you know, one day I wouldn’t say no to coming back there again, and perhaps this time, I’m not going to miss Jakarta so soon…

Thanks Pit...

Aaarrrggghhh....................

2004-08-05T14:50:00.000+07:00

So today is one of those days that could just turn your entire mood off.
The fact that I'm bearing the most mind numbing job in the whole world is one thing. But the fact that today everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves is another.

The announcement today about our company (worldwide) is going through a joint venture sounds appealing at first. Wow, we'll have opportunity to be transferred overseas (hahaha, you wish). But somehow the longer we sit and let the words seep in, the more I'm convinced that it's time to move on (or at least die trying)...

Do you ever feel that you’re not sufficient enough, even for yourself? Well, the road is about to open wide in that direction. Every single (better) companies I applied to in the past month has been either sending me a rejection letter, or simply play the cool and ignorant recruitment people who could not care less about peoples’ feelings and decide to just not give any words after 3 interviews. That’s just great. And the saddest part is, no matter how hard I try to console myself (by saying: “It’s their loss, you’ve got the whole potential, and if they didn’t realize it, well, there are still a million other jobs out there, waiting for you to give your best work and prove yourself worthy of their handsome compensation package”), somewhere deep inside me shouts: “Loser…” Damnit, wish I were deaf, and can pretend I didn’t hear it…

I ran into a couple of long lost friends (from High school) during lunch this afternoon. And the “best” of my day has just begun. Guess what, one of them is getting married next February. That’s like the 3 friends (just from that clique alone) to get married this year. Darn it! And what are the odds of this happening when I just had a serious break up with someone that has been in my life for 5 years? Okay, I know I should be happy for her. But when is my turn? Will I have to wait another 5 years just to face another disappointing end? I know I’m not gonna marry someone whom I just met and know for less than a month, heck, I’m not that hasty. But help me, I need to see the light, please…

So, what I’m feeling right now is .......... .......... .......... .......... ..........

First Page

2004-08-04T17:59:00.000+07:00

Okay...

So I have this wide and blank page. I mean, what should I do?
Heck, beats me. Just trying to get some writing done.

Hmm, is it true that you can judge a person by their writing?
Well, don't jump into that conclusion about me just yet. This is the first page.

Be back with more.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for introducing Blogger.com to me, Arie.
Will surely make the best use of it.

Later then...